Posted on by Abe Austin

Calloused Hearts- Mother Teresa

Previously I considered a passage of scripture that described a dark cloud which falls upon us all, temporarily blinding us from the love of God. This phenomenon has also been referred to as the “Dark Night of the Soul,” and this condition seems to describe Mother Teresa’s experience perfectly.

Though the woman dedicated her life to the service of her fellow man and constantly professed her love for God, she admitted in letters and personal writings that she had ceased to feel His love coming back to her. In her own words she expressed that “even deep down right in there is nothing, but emptiness and darkness.” She also wrote that “for me, the silence and the emptiness is so great that I look and do not see, listen and do not hear.”

After ten years of this darkness she described a month of reprieve, a time where “the long darkness … that strange suffering” was lifted away and she could feel God’s love again. Later the darkness returned.

Of course one could be cynical about the whole thing. Maybe she was hiding secret sins, maybe she had a mental condition, maybe she was agitating a passing sensation into a consuming obsession.

Maybe.

But having no compelling evidence that these were the case, I prefer to give her the benefit of a doubt. I like to remind myself that even Jesus had his moment of disconnection where he cried out “My God, my God, why hast thou forsaken me?” (Matthew 27:46). My assumption is that Mother Teresa was simply caught in that same dark cloud which falls on each of us. It comes upon us at different periods of life and for different durations, and for her it appears to have been particularly late in life and of particularly long duration. But I like to believe that like her Savior, she felt her way faithfully through it and finally rested in the light at the end of the tunnel.

Posted on by Abe Austin

Personal Commitment: Month 9

January’s Review

For January I recommitted to regular, two-hour checkins to ground myself and to refresh my efforts to live as my best self. Throughout the month I found a great deal of vitality enter my spiritual life through this practice.

During this month I also shared an epiphany that I had through the process. I had been striving to invite God’s help, but not following it with an immediate effort to do some small, good thing. Over the past weeks I have tried to correct this by beginning a new ritual where I invoke God’s help, but then pair that request by doing whatever my conscience is currently prompting me to do. It is usually a small thing, and many times I don’t understand what good is even going to be accomplished by it, but it just feels right so I do it. There is a strong sense in this of putting an offering on the altar, giving a small sacrifice to deepen the sincerity of my intentions.

Just this last week I had a moment where I was already feeling tired and depleted, but I knew the right thing was to start playing with my children. I paused to ground myself, prayed for God to come into my heart and make me alive for the task, and then paired that request with my own effort to invent a new game to play with them. And as I was in the process of giving what little I could, I felt the vitality flowing back into my heart and I was able to really lean into the moment and have a wonderful time with my children.

I want to keep chasing experiences like that.

February’s Commitment)

And so this new ritual will be my guide during the month of February. I will start every day with this pattern of prayer and doing the first good thing I can think of. I will do it again each time I change my setting, such as when arriving at work or back at home. I will do it any time that I realize I am slipping into an autopilot mode of apathy and distractedness.

My goal is to make this practice become the new baseline for me. I want to repeat it so many times that it becomes routine, as standard a part of life as studying the scriptures became through doing this blog. This is the next step in my permanent development.

As with any lifestyle change, I assume this will take a lot of work and a lot of recommitment to really stick. So I’m approaching it with the mindset that this a long term effort, not just an exercise for February. In future months my checkin will likely be to modify this commitment as necessary and refresh my resolve to it. Come back at the start of March to hear how it’s going.

Thank you.

Posted on by Abe Austin

Calloused Hearts- 1 Nephi 8:10, 19, 21, 23-24

And it came to pass that I beheld a tree, whose fruit was desirable to make one happy.
And I beheld a rod of iron, and it extended along the bank of the river, and led to the tree by which I stood.
And I saw numberless concourses of people, many of whom were pressing forward, that they might obtain the path which led unto the tree by which I stood.
And it came to pass that there arose a mist of darkness; yea, even an exceedingly great mist of darkness, insomuch that they who had commenced in the path did lose their way, that they wandered off and were lost.
And it came to pass that I beheld others pressing forward, and they came forth and caught hold of the end of the rod of iron; and they did press forward through the mist of darkness, clinging to the rod of iron, even until they did come forth and partake of the fruit of the tree.

COMMENTARY

There arose a mist of darkness; insomuch that they who had commenced in the path did lose their way
I have just considered how our hearts will feel subdued and inactive when we are not sincerely striving to follow Christ. And while this is a reason for why we might have a “calloused heart,” it is not the only one.
Today’s verses share an allegory for our walk in life and it includes a mist of darkness that descends on us, blinding us from God’s love. And that mist of darkness descends on everyone, even those that aren’t lost in the ways of sin or ignoring their conscience. Even those that are trying their best will at times find themselves in the mist. They will faithfully keep moving forward, but won’t feel the effect of what they’re doing. Even as they advance they will feel as if they’re treading in the same place. They will remain lethargic in the soul, and won’t see God’s light shining about them. They will wonder what they’re doing wrong.
And if you are feeling that way perhaps you aren’t doing anything wrong at all. Perhaps you are just passing through a part of life that we all pass through.

And they caught hold of the end of the rod of iron; and did press forward through the mist of darkness, clinging to the rod of iron, until they did come forth and partake of the fruit of the tree
As these verses describe, those who finally do overcome this mist don’t do so by holding still until it passes. They keep moving forward, even when they don’t feel like they’re actually progressing. It is always nicer to move onward when feeling bathed in God’s light, but you can move forward even if you don’t. Sometimes God invades our hearts with His love to motivate us to move, but sometimes we have to motivate ourselves and move to where God’s love is waiting.

Posted on by Abe Austin

Calloused Hearts- 2 Kings 5:10-11, 13-14

And Elisha sent a messenger unto him, saying, Go and wash in Jordan seven times, and thy flesh shall come again to thee, and thou shalt be clean.
But Naaman was wroth, and went away, and said, Behold, I thought, He will surely come out to me, and stand, and call on the name of the Lord his God, and strike his hand over the place, and recover the leper.
And his servants came near, and spake unto him, and said, My father, if the prophet had bid thee do some great thing, wouldest thou not have done it? how much rather then, when he saith to thee, Wash, and be clean?
Then went he down, and dipped himself seven times in Jordan, according to the saying of the man of God: and his flesh came again like unto the flesh of a little child, and he was clean.

COMMENTARY

But Naaman was wroth, and said, Behold, I thought, He will surely come out to me, and stand, and strike his hand over the place, and recover the leper
I mentioned yesterday that when I pray for a fire in my heart, God usually responds with a prompting of something good I should do. As it turns out I have a specific and recent example of this.
I shared recently about my desire to gain a healthier relationship with food and my body.
But when I tried to force that healthier lifestyle on myself things backfired. I became more unhealthy and I felt this calloused heart grow within me. I lost my burning to be my best self. I kept praying for God to wake up my heart, to change me so that I could just do the right things again, to win this fight for me. But I still wasn’t getting anywhere, and that was the whole reason I began this very study.
When I read these verses from 2 Kings I realized that Naaman is a perfect example for my feelings. I had faith, I asked for what I was supposed to ask for, I thought God would come out and give me the cure! So now I felt bitter instead.

My father, if the prophet had bid thee do some great thing, wouldest thou not have done it? how much rather then, when he saith to thee, Wash, and be clean?
I can also relate to Naaman that if there was not an immediate, miraculous healing, then at least I would expect some great sacrifice or test to unlock the blessings I sought. I asked God what He needed from me and then listened for something large and related to my physical health…but He didn’t ask for that.
Then, while listening to a sermon in Church this Sunday, I finally understood. Praying and asking for a vibrant heart was only half the recipe. I needed to meet it with a deliberate, good action. Not some epic sacrifice, though, just one of those small, little things that seem of no consequence, but which we feel in our hearts are just right to do. Ask for help, show my faith by my works, and God could work with that.
I’m only three days into this new approach but it already feels more pure and more effective. I went through all the things that I’ve felt I ought to be doing but could take care of later, and started implementing them now. Things like getting to bed on time, removing distractions from work, and getting the house clean. These have very little to do with changing my relationship to food, but everything to do with repairing my relationship to God. And already the desire to do all other good things is growing within me. I would say that I have dipped in the river Jordan once, but like Naaman this is going to take multiple washings.

Posted on by Abe Austin

Calloused Hearts- James 2:17-18, 26

Even so faith, if it hath not works, is dead, being alone.
Yea, a man may say, Thou hast faith, and I have works: shew me thy faith without thy works, and I will shew thee my faith by my works.
For as the body without the spirit is dead, so faith without works is dead also.

COMMENTARY

Even so faith, if it hath not works, is dead, being alone
For as the body without the spirit is dead, so faith without works is dead also
Yesterday I shared how we can only be made alive through Christ, and that means we need to be a part of Christ, and that means we are actively striving to live a Christ-like life every day. There are other factors, of course, such as the all-important role of grace, but our personal striving is a very real piece of the puzzle.
Which James further emphasizes in today’s verses: faith without works is dead.
We can and should pray to God for a fire to be lit in our hearts. We should show our faith by inviting Him to plant an active desire to do good within us. We should trust that He can remake us so that choosing the right becomes an easy and pleasant experience.
But in my life it seems that He often does not often pour that spiritual fire into my heart right away. He usually takes that prayer of faith and responds by giving me a small choice. Perhaps a twinge of conscience for something simple and good to do right then and there. And I’m sorry to say that sometimes I haven’t taken the invitation. The simple good action I am being offered seems disconnected from the greater good I was asking for the strength to do, and so I overlook it. And then my faith is separated from my works and my heart is left feeling dead.

Posted on by Abe Austin

Calloused Hearts- Ephesians 2:4-5 (NIV), Romans 6:23

But because of his great love for us, God, who is rich in mercy, 
Made us alive with Christ even when we were dead in transgressions—it is by grace you have been saved.

For the wages of sin is death; but the gift of God is eternal life through Jesus Christ our Lord.

COMMENTARY

God made us alive with Christ even when we were dead in transgressions
The gift of God is eternal life through Jesus Christ our Lord
Yesterday I mentioned how the only one that can make us truly alive inside is God. We cannot ever hope to feel fully vibrant in our hearts without Him there. And as today’s verses make clear, the way God makes us alive is in and through Christ. Jesus is the medium that this restorative process must be done through.
When I read today’s verses the thought that occurs to me is “how well am I trying to live in Christ?” And by that I mean am I allowing my actions to be guided by his spirit, and am I keeping myself open to receiving his healing love, and am I actively striving to live as the sort of person he is?
If I am lacking in these qualities then am I striving to remain in Christ? And if I am not striving to remain in Christ then can God make my heart come alive? And if God cannot make my heart come alive then is it any wonder I feel so calloused instead?

Posted on by Abe Austin

Calloused Hearts- John 10:10

The thief cometh not, but for to steal, and to kill, and to destroy: I am come that they might have life, and that they might have it more abundantly.

COMMENTARY

The thief cometh not, but for to steal, and to kill, and to destroy
Once we dwelled with a direct connection to God, now being apart from Him feels like being spiritually catatonic. It is a debilitating condition, one that many of us misdiagnose and then chase all manner of false remedies to try and fix.
These remedies are like the thieves described in this verse, come to sink us even lower than we were before. Some of them promise artificial sustenance through addictions, others promise release through numbness to the pain. Both of these paths deaden our soul more than it already was. They distract us by over-stimulation or by silencing of the senses, all while leaving the spirit entirely dissatisfied.

I am come that they might have life, and that they might have it more abundantly
What we really need is to recognize that our souls just aren’t designed to live without a connection to our Maker. We simply cannot thrive without Him, it isn’t possible.
Man did not breathe until God put it into his nostrils to do so, and the soul does not thrive until God has been allowed to stoke a fire within it.

Posted on by Abe Austin

Calloused Hearts- Mark 9:23

Jesus said unto him, If thou canst believe, all things are possible to him that believeth.
And straightway the father of the child cried out, and said with tears, Lord, I believe; help thou mine unbelief.

COMMENTARY

If thou canst believe, all things are possible
The father of the child cried out, and said with tears, Lord, I believe; help thou mine unbelief
I love this example of a father being open and honest about his lacking. He truly wants to have more faith but he just doesn’t. And Jesus is able to work with that. In fact, by waiting to perform the miracle until after the man had made this vulnerable request Jesus was able to heal both child and father.
Sometimes the best prayers I’ve offered have been along the lines of “God, I really wish I didn’t feel so spiritually closed off right now…but I just do.” Rather than trying to push through the spiritual barrier alone or pretend it isn’t there we can call it out directly. We can bring it onto the table so that He can start working with us on it.

Posted on by Abe Austin

Calloused Hearts- Matthew 15:32, 34-37

Then Jesus called his disciples unto him, and said, I have compassion on the multitude, because they continue with me now three days, and have nothing to eat: and I will not send them away fasting, lest they faint in the way.
And Jesus saith unto them, How many loaves have ye? And they said, Seven, and a few little fishes.
And he commanded the multitude to sit down on the ground.
And he took the seven loaves and the fishes, and gave thanks, and brake them, and gave to his disciples, and the disciples to the multitude.
And they did all eat, and were filled: and they took up of the broken meat that was left seven baskets full.

COMMENTARY

I have compassion on the multitude, because they continue with me now three days, and have nothing to eat: and I will not send them away fasting, lest they faint in the way
And he took the seven loaves and the fishes, and gave to the multitude. And they did all eat, and were filled
Yesterday I shared about a spiritual retreat where my heart reached its saturation point and had difficulty absorbing any more of God’s love. Spiritual connection is fulfilling, but at the same time it can also be emotionally and physically draining.
And while we seek to “bridle passions” and “master the flesh,” we are not meant to become ascetics, ignoring or abusing our physical forms. Jesus showed a great attentiveness to the capacity of the multitude gathered around him. They came to be spiritually fed and they received that. But the long duration had left them faint and he was sensitive to their need for physical revival, too.
It is a good thing to fast, to make physical sacrifices to embolden the spirit, to seek out spiritual experiences that fill us to the limit on a regular basis. But there is wisdom in resting after we have been filled and letting that rapture settle within us.

Posted on by Abe Austin

Calloused Hearts- Personal Example

I once went to a spiritual retreat in the mountains. There were sermons shared, a great deal of prayer, and time alone to walk in nature. It was a wonderful, spiritual experience. Throughout all the first day I felt my heart opening up and connecting to God. Away from the distractions of the world I could really hear God clearly. We had a more direct communication than I was used to, and I properly understood where I was in life, what was holding me back, and what God would like me to do to advance further.

But when I woke up on the second day of the retreat I found a strange numbness had come over me. I attended the first sermons of the day and struggled to be fully present with them. By the time I hit the second or third lecture the messages had rubbed away my emotional walls and I started to feel spiritually awake again. I had another positive experience throughout the rest of the day.

The third morning the coating of numbness was even thicker. I really wanted to engage with the spirit but it felt like many layers had grown on my heart overnight. The exposure to God, while wonderful, had been tenderizing. There had been a great deal of emotion and my heart had felt more raw and exposed than it was accustomed to. Just like how skin rubbed raw will begin to blister and callous to protect the tender flesh, my heart was toughening itself against further feeling.

This time I only half coaxed my heart back out of its shell. It had reached its saturation point and needed to rest.

Overall the retreat was still a very positive experience. I felt inspired to make some long-term changes to my life and I continue to carry the benefits of that to this day, three years later. I also left with an important lesson about my heart, though. It had an emotional capacity, a threshold for what it was willing to feel. And just like any other muscle, the heart has to be exercised to increase that capacity. I needed more experiences like this retreat to acclimate it to prolonged deep feelings.