People, as a general rule, don’t choose their beliefs
They give their core conviction to a single, ultimate Being
Or Philosophy
Or Cause
And then their beliefs are given to them by that source
So, choose your core conviction wisely
Without a shared moral core
We have nothing from which to reason together
And when reasoning fails
Force follows
In the first post of this series, I mentioned that I wanted to examine times where we wish to improve our moral character, but we just don’t seem able to. This is a strange phenomenon. One would think that all we have to do to make is a change is just decide to do it. That certainly seems to be enough to make other sorts of changes, such as updates to our daily schedule, our focus of study, and our social connections, but when it comes to changes of moral quality, it often is a very different story. Though we are totally converted to the change in our head, though we promise ourselves that things are going to be different, we fall back into our old foibles again and again.
A huge section of psychological study is just, “I wish I was doing this differently, but I just don’t know how to.” It remains a great riddle that all of humanity has grappled with through the ages.
I don’t pretend to have all the answers, but I have learned a little from what has worked (and what hasn’t) in my own life. In my last post I mentioned that I have had occasional moments of epiphany in my life, times where my core beliefs slid into their proper order, and when that has happened real moral change suddenly became possible. I don’t know if this is the only method to making lasting moral changes, but it does at least seem to be a method.
Of course, recognizing this pattern does not get me much closer to being able to make changes on a whim. Spiritual epiphanies don’t just occur on demand. In fact, there have been many times where I have known the exact core beliefs that I have out-of-order, but I still haven’t known how to force their rearrangement in my life.
I’ll take a moment here to describe a specific example of that. For years I grappled with Jesus’s words in Matthew 10:37: “He that loveth father or mother more than me is not worthy of me: and he that loveth son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me.” It made sense, logically, that Jesus needed to be the highest priority in my life, that I needed to be more devoted to him than to any other. But accepting that in the head was not the same as feeling and living it in my heart. I could tell that in my heart the order was flipped. For me, family was more important than Christ. I didn’t think that was good, I didn’t want to remain that way, I just didn’t know how to make the change happen.
That was my state for years, until one day, out of the blue, I realized that in that scripture I could substitute “obey” for “love,” and “conscience” for “Jesus.” So, it became, “He that obeys father or mother over his own conscience is not worthy of me.” This resonated deeply in my heart. I knew that each of us must follow the impulse of our conscience, even when loved ones disagreed. And really, what was a commitment to follow conscience over family than a choice to love Christ over any other relation? I didn’t just become converted to my substituted-text version of the verse; I also become converted to the original wording!
And then, just like that, I was able to become more consistent in my moral behaviors, because the hierarchy had been improved in my heart. Jesus, and by extension God, really did become first for me, and so it was natural to realign parts of my life to match that order. I successfully made the breakthrough and enjoyed the changes, but not according to my own efforts or will. It just came upon me one day seemingly of its own accord.
I realize this may not be the silver bullet that one might hope for. I cannot bring you to the destination, I can only suggest where you might find the proper path, and then you must still make the journey.
If there is some moral behavior that you have long wanted to change, but been unable to, it might be worth asking, “What is disordered in my core beliefs that keeps me from this change?” Have you set something at a higher priority than you should have? Have you neglected something fundamental that you are languishing without? Have you been too afraid to make a sacrifice that you know needs to be made?
If you can identify this, there still remains the matter of actually making the change in the heart. It is probably a hard thing to do. It might be something that can be done in an instant but scares you to death. It might be something that you want to correct right away, but it will take years to understand exactly how to do so. It might be something that just one day works itself out on its own, and you have no control over exactly when that happens.
Misalignments in our core beliefs are tricky to correct, but that explains why the moral behaviors locked behind them remain stubbornly out of reach. This is hard work, but it’s also the most important work of life.
And, behold, the Lord passed by, and a great and strong wind rent the mountains, and brake in pieces the rocks before the Lord; but the Lord was not in the wind: and after the wind an earthquake; but the Lord was not in the earthquake: and after the earthquake a fire; but the Lord was not in the fire: and after the fire a still small voice.
COMMENTARY
But the Lord was not in the wind: and after the wind an earthquake; but the Lord was not in the earthquake: and after the earthquake a fire; but the Lord was not in the fire
When one endeavors to try to become something better, they may be surprised that the Lord does not bless their efforts immediately. In fact, often it is Satan who comes to us first.
I have had my own journey through addiction recovery, at the beginning of which I was excited to finally meet the healthier, worthier me. I was shocked, then, when I instead met a very different version of myself: one that was extremely pessimistic and cruel. This version assured me that I would never get any better, that deep down I didn’t even want to get better, that soon I would fail, and that recovery would never work because I just happen to be fundamentally flawed to my core.
This voice was one that raged, too. One might say it came in like a great wind, or an earthquake, or maybe a fire…but the Lord was not in these furies at all. After that harsher version of me passed, another identity came. A still, small one that rang truer and far more hopeful. The one I had been waiting for.
I feel I have very good company in this pattern that I lived. Jonah tried to run before he eventually carried out his mission to Nineveh, Peter sunk into the water the first time he tried to walk on it, Zacharias doubted his son’s birth but later defended that boy, Moses doubted his abilities before leading Israel to freedom. It seems most all of us have the self of doubt before the self of faith.
The problem is when people meet that first doubting self and then assume that that is all there is. They may start to believe that some people have a good core, and others an evil, and there’s just nothing you can do about that. The truth is everyone has both identities, and the test is simply whether we will hold out long enough for the good to make itself known.
And when the people saw that Moses delayed to come down out of the mount, the people gathered themselves together unto Aaron, and said unto him, Up, make us gods, which shall go before us; for as for this Moses, the man that brought us up out of the land of Egypt, we wot not what is become of him.
And thou shalt remember all the way which the LORD thy God led thee these forty years in the wilderness, to humble thee, and to prove thee, to know what was in thine heart, whether thou wouldest keep his commandments, or no.
Because sentence against an evil work is not executed speedily, therefore the heart of the sons of men is fully set in them to do evil.
COMMENTARY
When the people saw that Moses delayed…[they] said…Up, make us gods
The LORD thy God led thee these forty years in the wilderness, to humble thee, and to prove thee, to know what was in thine heart
After the Israelites were led out of Egypt they struggled to maintain faith in God’s ability to protect and provide. At a time where patience was required, they instead sought the immediate gratification of a new god. Eventually they were given a test of forty years, and from the passage above we learn the purpose of it was prove whether they would remain faithful for a period so long.
Where many of us fall from our faith is during the waiting, because frankly most of us initially only do good for the hope of receiving a reward. If there is a delay on that reward, though, our true motivations eventually reveal themselves.
Because sentence against an evil work is not executed speedily, therefore the heart of the sons of men is fully set in them to do evil.
Similarly, many of us initially avoid evil only for the fear of receiving a punishment. If there is a delay on that punishment, though, our true desires eventually reveal themselves as well.
We are wheat and tares, indistinguishable in our infancy and still deciding what we are ultimately going to be. We are trying to learn how to do good things simply because they are good, never mind if we receive a reward right away. And we are trying to learn how to avoid evil things simply because they are evil, never mind if we feel their consequences right away.
If every good and evil act showed their consequences immediately, then we would never define our core selves, we would become dumb creatures of habit. It is only in the waiting that the core self is revealed.
A word of caution: some have interpreted passages like these to suggest that some of us have an evil core self and others a good core self. I want to take a moment to refute that notion entirely. All of us are good at our core. Tomorrow I’ll explain why this misconception arises, and why it is a misconception.
Spiritual Wanderings 