Dangerous Suppression)

A common plea that is made today is for men to better “express their feelings.” Men are recognized as being a lonely, unsupported demographic, prone to bad behavior because of unresolved turmoil within. And in my experience, there is some truth to this. I have been a man deeply troubled by the unspoken tribulation within me, and that profoundly negative state of mind did lead me to violate my own conscience and cause harm to those around me. Finding men’s groups where I could talk freely and also going through some one-on-one therapy was extremely healing.

But it didn’t have to be. One thing that I have learned for sure is that not all men’s groups and not all therapy is created equal. Some of it is extremely helpful. Some of it is useless. And some of it actually causes more harm. And what it comes down to is this: just what feelings are being shared.

Unhealthy Sharing)

The sort of “feelings sharing” that I see actively causing damage is when men complain about all that is wrong in their lives, and spiral into greater and greater feelings of anger. This is something I see both men and women having a problem with actually. This unhealthy communication isn’t about getting the anger of out their system, it is about validating and reinforcing it. Those that participate often respond with something like, “oh yeah, that is ridiculous, and that’s just what I’m dealing with, too…” which only multiplies the angry sentiment. It isn’t commiserating; it is compounded misery.

To be clear, genuine wounds do need to be addressed. Everyone has formative suffering in their lives, and carrying those burdens alone is unhealthy. Healing from these is very sacred, but it looks different. It looks like surrendering, accepting, forgiving, and releasing. If there is rage, it is expressed so that it can be let go of, not so that it can go back into the feedback loop of pain, to rage, to pain.

Healing from genuine wounds does not come by rehashing one’s anger over and over and over. It comes in a moment of holding, accepting, and then letting go. Anything that looks different from that tends to be about driving the pain deeper, not getting it out.

And, let us be honest, not all that gets shared in these misery sessions is genuine wounds. Often it is complaining about things that we don’t like in other people, ways that they trigger our insecurities, ways that they prevent from getting what we want. Most of these complaints don’t deserve any of our time at all, let alone the hours and hours of moaning that some people give to them.

This is what unhealthy sharing looks like, but I mentioned that I had also seen good in another form of men meeting together and sharing the weightier things of their hearts. So what does that look like? I will go into detail tomorrow.