Posted on by Abe Austin

Criticizing Another’s Faith- A Better Method

Critique Welcome)

In my last post I went very hard against the “Bible bashing,” faith crushing, spiritual demoralization I see in
“Christian” media today. Having expressed such emphatic condemnation of this method, I want to be clear that I do not feel that all critique of faith falls under this category. There actually is such a thing as pointing out the mote in another believer’s eye, but only if one has removed the beam of his own ego and pride. This approach looks very different from disparagement, insult, and mockery. It looks like thoughtful, respectful discourse.

Thankfully, there are examples of this more Christlike discourse today. One of the best examples I know of is Pastor Jeff on YouTube, who has spent years being curious about my faith, the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saint. He talks to us to understand where we are coming from, he shows great respect for our beliefs, and he still expresses where his views are different from us and why. He also mentions times when our own language becomes hurtful towards people with his background, and how we could do better. He remains a conduit for those in our faith who may want to know more about his.

And that sort of sincere critique and open dialogue is something that I believe every church needs. Even my church, which I consider to be Jesus’s restored kingdom on the Earth today, is still susceptible to human error, and benefits from the disagreement of well-meaning voices, be they from within its ranks or from outside denominations.

And as I mentioned at the end of my last post, this is the sort of evangelizing that actually works, whereas a visceral, combative approach never does. An aggressive stance only drives people further away from your perspective. They feel your hate, and they want nothing to do with you. At its core, true evangelism is an act of relationship, and genuine relationship is built on respect and trust. It is the only way it works.

Respect for All)

I have personal experience with this. I was a missionary for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, spending every day of two years serving and loving the people of the West Indies. I shared the gospel of Jesus Christ with all that were interested, teaching Hindus, Muslims, and other-denomination Christians alike.

In my last post I admitted that sometimes I, myself, would descend into “Bible bashing” with representatives from other faiths. I did not seek those debates out myself, but when my faith was misrepresented, I would go past merely setting the record straight and went into to a prideful state of having to prove that my position was right. I’m not proud of it, but it is something that I have repented for, and I do believe that I have changed. In the lifetime of this blog, I have written over 750,000 words of my daily faith study, and I would challenge anyone to find a single instance of me saying anything that could be considered an insult of another faith.

Going back to my mission, even though I had some instances of spiritual ego, there were also many other experiences where I felt the joy in having a genuine respect and reverence for the faith of others. I learned that whatever faith a person already had was a good thing. It was a common ground, a shared belief in something bigger than ourselves. From that unified foundation, we could each share the particulars of our faith, and if what I had to share would resonate with them, I would invite them to pursue it further. And if it didn’t, I would leave them with the faith that they already had. No ill will. No trying to destroy their own theology. Just gratitude for the time we got to share and wishing us both continued growth in the future.

Do I think Hinduism is the path to eternal life with our creator? No, not in its entirety.

Islam? No.

Judaism? No.

Buddhism? No.

Catholicism? No.

Eastern Orthodox? No.

Protestantism? No.

But do I think that Hinduism is beautiful? Yes, absolutely. I think it is full of fascinating truths, and a faith worth having, and a cause of good in the world. And the same for Islam, Judaism, Buddhism, Catholicism, Eastern Orthodox, Protestantism, and on and on.

And I expect no more and ask no less of others towards my faith. I know you don’t believe that the LDS faith is the true path to eternal life with our creator. But I expect you to respect that I do, and to appreciate the beauty and value that is in that faith, and the good that it has led me to. If you sincerely wanted to “save” me, you would come with respect and sincere appreciation for what I already do have. You would establish common ground. You would seek to add to what I already have, not to tear it down.

Not only would this approach be kinder, not only would it show genuine love, not only would it actually be Christian, but it would also be the only thing that could ever possibly work.

It would not work on everyone. Not everyone is open to a change of faith. That is something else that I learned on my mission, and something that I also had to have sincere respect for. But for those who are already seeking, this is the approach would let them consider whether you have what they are looking for.

In short, people do not value the perspectives of those who despise them. They do value the perspectives of those who show them that they sincerely care. Evangelizing is about establishing genuine and loving relationships, with mutual dignity and respect, and then sharing one’s testimony with only an invitation, not compulsion, for the other to accept it. This approach may not be flashy or fast, but it is true and holy communion.

Posted on by Abe Austin

Criticizing Another’s Faith- Motives Behind Attack

Satanic Evangelism)

I think the most important question when one starts criticizing another’s faith is, “why are you doing this?” What compels one to just start going off with all the things they see as wrong in another religion? To disparage something that they know others hold as sacred?

The answer that I always hear is the same: “I’m trying to help you to see what that you’ve been misguided, so you can be saved. I’m doing this because I love you.”

Which is about as sensible as when a man strikes his wife and says he does so because of how much he loves her. Berating people for their sincerely held beliefs and insulting that which they hold sacred is abusive. It is not loving. It is not caring. It comes from a desire to tear down and not to build up. It does not seek to save. It seeks to condemn. It is not Christian. It is devilish.

Dabbling in the Dark)

I know this, because I participated in it on my mission. Back in 2009 I left on a two-year mission for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. On that mission, I often came across evangelists from other faiths, and I am sorry to say that we would occasionally get into lively sparring sessions on why we believed in our church…and why they shouldn’t believe in theirs. “Bible bashing” is the common term.

Now, when we were trained as missionaries, the potential for these Bible bashes came up, and the guidance we were given for what to do in such situations was always consistent and clear: “just don’t.” Don’t look for scriptures to prove the other side wrong. Don’t criticize or demoralize. Don’t try to win. Just don’t.

Unfortunately, pride and ego are very strong, and at times I did enter into these verbal mud-wrestling matches. And from that experience, I can attest to the motives and the feelings that are behind the dismantling of another person’s faith. It is not love, it is not charity, and it is not a desire to help them. It is cruelty. It is wanting to beat them, to make them lose. It is hoping for their damnation and rubbing their faces in it.

It is evil, pure and simple, and I repent that I ever participated in it to any degree.

The Pleasure of Domination)

The instruction of our missionary trainers was absolutely correct. No one should ever descend into Bible bashing another person’s faith.

Does that mean to never discuss spiritual differences and never respond to attacks against your faith? No. I do think there is a place for defending oneself and clarifying one’s position. I do think one ought to correct the record when his faith is misrepresented in public forums. I do think there can even be value in structured and civil debate. But if one cannot see the difference between these and disparaging and insulting another’s faith, then they cannot see the difference between righteous defense and devilish destruction. Or he is willfully ignoring the distinction because he still wants the pleasure of breaking what another has.

Because, at the end of the day, insulting someone else’s beliefs does feel “good.” It feels powerful and addicting. It rewards the carnal sensibilities within. It both satisfies and deepens one’s hunger for contention.

A person who ridicules another for their sincere beliefs does not want to save that person. He wants to dominate that person and feel superior to them. He is lashing out from a place of insecurity. I know this because I sadly experimented with those behaviors myself. I know the genuine darkness that I felt in my heart when I gave in to this temptation, and now I recognize that same darkness in those who disparage my faith. I know the ill will that it is behind it, so I do not excuse it. Not in myself and not in them.

Not only is this sort of theological bullying evil, it is also ineffective. If a person actually did sincerely wish to save a brother or a sister, then this would never be the method that they should use. We’ll take a look at what that better method would look like next time, and even consider the example of a skeptic of the LDS faith who uses it correctly.

Posted on by Abe Austin

Criticizing Another’s Faith- A Strange Resentment

A Rejection of “Mormons”)

I am a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. Most people still refer to us as Mormons, though that has never been the name of our church. In general, people speak of us as being extremely nice and neighborly, but they often describe our faith as being either very weird or very sinister. Whether it is claims that Joseph Smith was a charlatan and a huckster, or assumptions that the whole religion is demonic, you do not often hear people expressing that there is anything worthy in our beliefs.

This has always been the case, but as of late, the volume of criticism against us seems to be increasing. I suspect that it has to do with the broader cultural and political shift in America. When conservatism and Christianity were on the back foot, targeting your own didn’t make sense, but now that they are having a revival of sorts, some members want to gatekeep who really gets to be a part of that coalition.

My exposure to the increasing criticism came about by seeking media voices that I thought I could relate to. Being an active Christian myself, I enjoy hearing spiritual viewpoints online. Sadly, over the past couple years, every mainstream Christian blog, podcast, or YouTube channel has made it a point to periodically inform their audience how much they disagree with “Mormonism.” Not only is the rhetoric growing more frequent, it is also growing more pronounced, with posts designed around “destroying Mormonism,” and channels that are dedicated exclusively to criticizing the church. Most shocking of all was the people who showed up on social media following the slaughter of members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. They would “correct” anyone making the “mistake” of calling us Christians when reporting on that tragedy. This seemed a very perverse reflex, and it was deeply hurtful in our time of mourning.

Overall, the attacks against my church seem to be becoming more rampant and more sensationalized. Not an honest disagreement of doctrine, not a genuine desire to save lost souls, but a mean and vicious mockery, at times with full-on fabrication and outright bigotry. This is a trend that has me worried greatly.

A Broader View)

Of course, I have to remind myself that the loudest voices rarely speak for all of the group, or even for the majority. For every YouTuber trying to tell me what my faith is, and why it is wrong, I hope that there are still many other mainstream Christians who would rather leave the judgment to God. Also, I have to remember that mine is not the only Christian minority in the West, and others face similar criticism also. In fact, I recently saw a video from Jonathan Pageau, an Eastern Orthodox, where he described some outside criticism that seemed sounded very similar to my own experience.

Before I continue this study, discussing the resentment I see directed towards my church, I want to make it clear that I know these are individuals who are choosing to attack the faith of others, and I am not making an indictment of any larger denomination as a whole. I know that I have many brothers and sisters in these other denominations, and I am sincerely grateful for them. I have met some of them, and had conversations with them, and I know that they are true Christians. Of course, we have differences in views, and we each champion what we believe to be the fulness of the truth, but we trust God to sort out those differences in His own due time, and we will happily submit to Him as He reveals the truth to us.

Posted on by Abe Austin

Nothing Meaningful Without the Soul

No argument, or even well-meaning discussion, will accomplish anything meaningful, unless you get to speak to the real, authentic soul that lives within the other person. Glimpses of that genuine, vulnerable soul are very rare. It is almost always shut up behind a facade, which you will never make any serious impression upon.

Posted on by Abe Austin

Sincere Disagreement

I would far rather have a man disagree with my genuine beliefs, than for him to disagree with fabricated positions I have never held.
If you try to tell me what I believe to discredit my faith, then your disagreement with me is not rational, it is emotional.

Posted on by Abe Austin

Unfulfilled Dreams- Never How You Think

Years of Longing)

In the last post I shared the recent experience I’ve had of getting a dog, something I wanted ever since I was a child, and the realization that so much of that dream was specific to my childhood and therefore had to be let go as something that could never be fulfilled. This was an interesting experience and it got me thinking about other dreams that I still have.

Probably the most prominent of those dreams is the one for my own career. I’ve often fantasized about being able to start a small business and spending my working hours on projects that I personally care about. My degree in college was Computer Science with an Animation Emphasis. I’ve been able to do a lot with the Computer Science, programming websites and applications for large businesses, but I haven’t really been able to do anything with the Animation Emphasis part. I did try to make a go of it in the Video Game industry when I first graduated from college, but the experience was very distasteful and made me promise to myself that I would only venture back into there on my own terms.

I long to make my own software, my own animation tools, my own gaming engines, my own games. The dream is to be able to subsist entirely off of these personal creative projects, maybe even earn enough to hire another developer or two and build fun things together. I’ve started many projects that I hoped could become my first product, but I’ve always petered out before I had anything that could actually be sold.

Still, I dream of success. I dream of one day making something that’s just good enough. It doesn’t need to be a great hit, it doesn’t have to become famous, but I would want it to be successful enough to quit my 9-to-5 and justify working full-time for myself.

But then, I remember what it was like finally getting the dog I’d always wanted, and that sure didn’t play out as expected. Would it be the same with this?

Inevitable Disappointment)

I’m sure it would be. I cannot think of a single time in my life where I’ve imagined how something would go, and then it was exactly what I’d expected. Serving a mission for my church, going to college, driving a car, getting a job, getting married, having children, owning a home…the list goes on and on. Not a one of these played out how I had envisioned. Some of them were better than expected, some worse, some just different, but never how I thought. Surely it would be the same with my fantasies of starting my own business. Surely not everything would be good about the experience. There would certainly be monotony, tedious paperwork, setbacks, anxiety…yet none of these feature in my fantasies.

The more I fantasize the experience of forging out on my own, the more I set myself up for disappointment. I don’t think that it’s bad for me to have this goal, and I think it genuinely would be good to achieve it, but if I’m too married to a particular image of how it’s supposed to be, I’m likely to receive a good thing and be put off by it still the same.

What I’ve come to realize is that some dreams have to be given up entirely. The timing passes, the opportunity disappears, or there is no assurance it will ever happen. Other dreams can still be retained, but the idea of exactly how they play out must be surrendered. I can have my dreams, but it’s probably best to keep them vague and broad. I can be in love with the idea of owning my own creative business, while leaving the exact manifestation of that open to interpretation.

Having no dreams is a recipe for living a lackluster life. Having too specific of dreams is a recipe for never being satisfied with what you get. Ambition is fine, but let God work out the details, and be happy for what good you do receive, not sullying it by obsessing on what you didn’t.

Posted on by Abe Austin

Unfulfilled Dreams- It Isn’t the Same

Years of Longing)

I’ve wanted a dog for as long as I can remember. I used to watch movies as a boy like Old Yeller, Beethoven, Benji, Homeward Bound, Iron Will, and Balto, then beg my parents to let us get a puppy. I honestly don’t know how my mother felt about it, but my father was always against them. He had grown up with pets, lots of them, and had no interest in dealing with them again. We did get goldfish a couple of times, but that was it. Left to no other recourse, my siblings and I would make pets out of whatever we could. We would catch bugs and put them in jars, make “alien baby dolls” out of paper, and play pretend where my sister would discover the rest of us as wolves in the wild and lead our pack.

It just wasn’t the same.

Of course, eventually I grew up. And for a long time, I had many distractions to keep me from getting a dog. I was going through school, I was starting my career, my wife and I had a newborn, and then another, and then another. We’ve been building our little kingdom for thirteen years now, and just a few weeks ago it started to dawn on me that we had reached a certain level of stability. We have our own home, with a fenced-in yard, no major projects going on, and the kids just got on summer break. So I spoke to my wife about how this was the first really convenient time for us to have a dog of our own. Things moved very fast, and 48 hours later I introduced our new dog to our children!

Since that day, it has been a lot of fun! I’m really glad to finally have the dog that I’ve wanted for over thirty years. But…if I’m being honest…it isn’t the experience I’d always dreamed of.

Shifting Dreams)

In hindsight, it never could be. My dream had always been to have a dog in my childhood. I imagined going out exploring on summer days with my “good boy” by my side, letting him sneak into my room to sleep on my bed, and having a friend and a protector who would never leave. But things just don’t work out that way with a dog at this stage of life. These summer days I’m shut in the office, working to provide for the family. The dog tries to sneak onto the bed, but I can’t stop thinking about how dirty those paws are and tell her to get off. And I’m much more the protector than that dog will ever be.

Like I said, in hindsight, this is obvious, but in the days following getting the dog, it came as a real disappointment. I can still have a good experience with this dog, and I really am doing so, it’s just never going to be the “good experience” I had always dreamed of. That dream was inseparably connected to being a specific age, and I’m simply not that age any longer. That dream is gone, and that’s all there is to it.

But you know who that dream isn’t gone from? My kids. From my ten-year-old to my three-year-old, each one of them has spent hours each day playing, chasing, and laughing with the dog. They’re excited to feed it, excited to bathe it, even excited to scoop up its poop!

And so, my dreams need to shift around a fair bit. I have to let go of the old dream that was no longer possible. I have to accept the new dream, which is still good, but different from what the old one was. And I have to be content to see the old dream live on in my own children. This whole experience got me thinking about other dreams and hopes I’ve had for my life, including ones yet unrealized for my adult life. I realized some important lessons there, too. Ones that I will share in my next post.

Posted on by Abe Austin

Sharing Feelings- Difficult Conversations

I Would Rather Die)

In my last post I made the claim that the type of “sharing feelings” that men need most is admission of guilt and shame. Honestly, that probably goes for women also, but I don’t have extensive personal experience with that, like I do with men. I have seen many men burdened with depression, fear, anxiety, and purposelessness. That has been me, myself. In every case, the first step that must be taken, and then taken repeatedly again throughout life, is the admission of one’s secret wrongs, so that forgiveness and surrender can take place.

These are inherently difficult conversations to have. I cannot think of any that would be harder. Disclosing your deepest wrongs is the single most likely way to break relationships, face painful consequences, and risk total abandonment. It is social and emotional suicide, and many men would rather commit actual suicide than go there. One of the most common things I have heard (and personally felt) is that men feel like admitting these things would kill us. We men often only make these confessions because we finally decide that a quick and sharp death is better than the long, drawn out one that we are experiencing. What a shock and amazement to discover that actually this is the path to life.

Jesus described the path to life as “strait and narrow,” (Matthew 7:14). The things that we must do are clear, precise, and narrowly defined. They are simple and accessible to all. Yet “few there be that find it,” because the first step of that path is the one gate that most of us think we will never pass through: confession of our shame.

Culture of Confession)

I believe confession is necessarily hard. I do not think it will ever be easy. A lot of people talk about changing the culture to make it more acceptable for men to “talk about their feelings,” and I do believe we could make a push to normalize confession culturally, removing the social stigmas around it that are unnecessary, but I don’t think it will ever actually stop being anything less than the hardest thing we ever do. It simply isn’t in our nature to make confession until we have exhausted every other possible option.

And that’s okay. We can never become the greatest version of ourselves without fear, sacrifice, and restoration. Facing something that scares us to death and breaking through that barrier is the gateway into new life. Jesus, himself, explained this when he said, “except a man be born again, he cannot see the kingdom of God” (John 3:3). Paradise is only available to the reborn, and rebirth assumes the death of the old self.

Thus, even if we ever did create a culture of confession such that there was no fear in admitting to our deepest wrongs, there would still be a need for another crippling fear that we would rather die than face, and a courageous leap into that death, and a rebirth on the other side. Personally, I consider it more likely that confession will just always serve as that primal fear.

I want to be clear that I absolutely know how hard the things I am advocating for are. I know it firsthand. I do not encourage men to seek this soul-shattering experience lightly. I only advocate for it because I know it is the only way, and that what is on the other side is worth it. In fact, it is so much more than just “worth it.” It isn’t that life continues on the other side of confession, it is that it begins. Everything before it is simply a walking death. Everything after it is the genuine article. And so yes, I acknowledge that this is hard, but I bear my witness that it is right and true. May I meet you one day on the other side.

Posted on by Abe Austin

Sharing Feelings- Unburdened Shame

Different Shares)

In my last post I talked about the claim that men struggle because they don’t share their feelings, and how there is a real truth to that statement, but that too often the proposed solution is unhelpful, even harmful. For too many, “sharing feelings” just turns into complaining, to shifting blame outwards, and finding others to stoke one’s feeling of righteous indignation. Feeding one’s rage is quite the rush. It feels “good” in a power-fantasy sort of way. But it does not do good for us. Ultimately, it only makes things worse.

I also mentioned in my last post that there is such a thing as acknowledging and surrendering genuine wounds, and that is healthy. The critical difference is that this healthy sharing is oriented towards accepting and releasing, not clutching and festering.

What is more, there is another sort of “sharing feelings” that is healing, needed constantly throughout life, and it hardly ever gets discussed at all. Usually, it only comes up in religious contexts, while the broader world shrinks from it at any cost. And that is, confession of guilt.

Admitting Wrongs)

By far, the bottled-up feelings that afflict the most people and cause the most damage is their shame. The feelings that men (and I suspect women, too) most need to share with one another is their deep regret, embarrassment, and guilt.

People try to live without shame by just not acknowledging it. By being “shameless” and pretending they don’t feel bad about what they have done. But if one cannot own their own shame, then they cannot be freed from it. Genuine shamelessness comes from fully embracing it, fully sharing it, and fully giving it to God. As James taught us, “Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed” (James 5:16).

Of course, you mustn’t just share your greatest flaws with just anyone. “Cast not your pearls before swine,” (Matthew 7:6). Our sins and our crimes against God and man are very vulnerable and must only be shared in the most sacred and trusted of space. But shared they must be. We should all seek a group, a sincere friend, or an honorable spiritual leader where we can bring out our worst and receive of their best. And we must have this communion continually, as new wrongs require new confession, and we live in a perpetual cycle of taking on burdens and then having them taken off.

This is the sort of emotional unloading that will actually make men healthier, stronger, happier, and whole. Not complaining about the wrongs of others, but admitting to the wrongs of themselves. This is where true healing begins.

Posted on by Abe Austin

Sharing Feelings- Unhealthy Communication

Dangerous Suppression)

A common plea that is made today is for men to better “express their feelings.” Men are recognized as being a lonely, unsupported demographic, prone to bad behavior because of unresolved turmoil within. And in my experience, there is some truth to this. I have been a man deeply troubled by the unspoken tribulation within me, and that profoundly negative state of mind did lead me to violate my own conscience and cause harm to those around me. Finding men’s groups where I could talk freely and also going through some one-on-one therapy was extremely healing.

But it didn’t have to be. One thing that I have learned for sure is that not all men’s groups and not all therapy is created equal. Some of it is extremely helpful. Some of it is useless. And some of it actually causes more harm. And what it comes down to is this: just what feelings are being shared.

Unhealthy Sharing)

The sort of “feelings sharing” that I see actively causing damage is when men complain about all that is wrong in their lives, and spiral into greater and greater feelings of anger. This is something I see both men and women having a problem with actually. This unhealthy communication isn’t about getting the anger of out their system, it is about validating and reinforcing it. Those that participate often respond with something like, “oh yeah, that is ridiculous, and that’s just what I’m dealing with, too…” which only multiplies the angry sentiment. It isn’t commiserating; it is compounded misery.

To be clear, genuine wounds do need to be addressed. Everyone has formative suffering in their lives, and carrying those burdens alone is unhealthy. Healing from these is very sacred, but it looks different. It looks like surrendering, accepting, forgiving, and releasing. If there is rage, it is expressed so that it can be let go of, not so that it can go back into the feedback loop of pain, to rage, to pain.

Healing from genuine wounds does not come by rehashing one’s anger over and over and over. It comes in a moment of holding, accepting, and then letting go. Anything that looks different from that tends to be about driving the pain deeper, not getting it out.

And, let us be honest, not all that gets shared in these misery sessions is genuine wounds. Often it is complaining about things that we don’t like in other people, ways that they trigger our insecurities, ways that they prevent from getting what we want. Most of these complaints don’t deserve any of our time at all, let alone the hours and hours of moaning that some people give to them.

This is what unhealthy sharing looks like, but I mentioned that I had also seen good in another form of men meeting together and sharing the weightier things of their hearts. So what does that look like? I will go into detail tomorrow.