Posted on by Abe Austin

Hatred or Love of Self

Over the past few decades, deaths of despair have climbed steadily in the United States. We seem to be a culture progressing into deeper and broader levels of hopelessness and personal anguish.

Many have pointed out how more and more people seem to hold an intense self-hatred also, the most likely cause of these increasing deaths. Naturally, it is assumed that the cure would be more self-love. More self-affirmation. More “me time.” But this assumes that self-hatred and self-love are mutually exclusive, and that they cannot exist in the same body.

In my experience, that assumption could not be further from the truth. Indeed, I have seen in my own life how the times of overabundant “self-love” have fueled the self-hatred that followed. Urging people to pursue more self-love might be like seeing someone who is drowning and bringing them a helpful glass of water.

In my experience, love is the cure to despair, but not self-love, divine love. I don’t need to find myself, I need to find Him. I don’t need to give myself what I want, I need to give myself what He wants for me. The true self-love that actually drives out self-hatred is only found in the love that we cultivate with our Creator.

Posted on by Abe Austin

Deeper Love- Summary

Over the past few days, I’ve discussed the possibility of being a Christian and holding fast to the commandments that God has given me but also having love for those who choose to live a different lifestyle. In this final post I will attempt to summarize what I have gone over, and the errors that those who suggest love for another has to include acceptance of their decisions run afoul of.

Love and Disagreement)

The first issue is that no one actually believes this. Everyone knows that you don’t support everything that a loved one does. In my last post I gave the example of drunk driving. Any decent, moral person knows that drunk driving is wrong and would perhaps feel compelled to have a serious talk with a loved one who was repeatedly pulled over for it. But does that mean that now they don’t love that person anymore? Of course not.

The only difference is that pretty much everyone agrees that drunk driving is morally wrong, while other lifestyle choices not everyone agrees on the morality of. That’s fine. Perhaps what I call morally wrong you do not. Perhaps you think I am mistaken in being opposed to certain behaviors. Perhaps I will one day learn that you were objectively correct when I meet my Savior and he tells me that I was wrong, and I will have to confess that it must be so. So be it. But even if I have a wrong judgment today, it is a non-sequitur to suggest that that has anything to do with my capacity to love someone in the meantime.

Let me ask you this. Does my “morally wrong” opinion prevent you from loving people like me? If not, then you already know that the point I am making here is true. If it does, then you are projecting your own inability to love onto others.

A Solid Foundation)

Another error is that of believing that love is one and the same is acceptance, or that acceptance is a necessary component of love. These are two separate qualities, the first having been defined exhaustively in the gospels, the second only declared a virtue in modern culture. There is no compelling argument that I have ever heard of that acceptance is essential for love.

In fact, the scriptures show an example of love given to those that you do not accept. The purest love, God’s love, is said to be given to us “while we were yet sinners,” (Romans 5:8). He loves us even when we are still in opposition to Him. That’s why His love for us is so sure and transformative. Because He gives it to us wherever we are, motivating us to come to Him wherever He is. He loves us as we fall short, while defining for us exactly what it is we are falling short of.

And each disciple is called to do the same. I will love you, even when I believe that you are wrong, because God has shown me that even the wrong can be loved. This is true love, this is unconditional love, this is love that loves no matter what. This is what God calls us to. Not to abandon our principles to appease our neighbor, but to be stalwart on our principles, loving from the solid foundation of God’s word. That is the love that God has shown to each of us, so that is the love that I will try to emulate as well.

Posted on by Abe Austin

Deeper Love- Parental Love

Could You Love Your Son if He Were Gay?)

One of the most common ways that people have expressed disbelief to me that I could both love a person and disagree with their lifestyle, is to have them say, “Well what if your son turned out to be gay?”

But I do not find this a difficult question at all. The simple truth is that if one of my children announced to me that he or she was gay, I would still be just as opposed to that lifestyle and still love them just as much. Anyone that questions a parent’s ability to love a child who chooses a different path betrays that they know very little of paternal love.

What is more, those who ask this question don’t seem to realize that they don’t even believe its implication. The question implies that you can’t love your child unless you approve and accept of all they do. To that I say, “Could you still love your son if he got a girl pregnant in High School? Would you have to prove that love by now approving of teenage pregnancy? Could you still love your son if he got arrested for driving under the influence? Would you have to prove that love by now approving of drunk driving?” Of course you would still love your child, and of course you could do so without approving of all their behavior.

Loved Even When Bad)

Another important aspect of paternal love is its dependability. Children of good parents who hold strong convictions know that their father and mother’s love is sure, a reliable foundation that can be built on. If I were to uproot my core beliefs just to make my child happy, then they wouldn’t really know who I was anymore, and my love would only provide a shallow foundation, and they couldn’t depend on it.

Children need to know that their parents’ love is rooted in something deep that can never be lost, not that the parent relates to them out of fear, constantly shifting their ground to avoid losing the relationship.

If my child did something deeply wrong, and I shifted ground to approve of that behavior, then I would be depriving my child of one of the greatest lessons of love that there is and teaching him something incredibly destructive instead. By my saying, “I will have to redefine ‘good’ so that I can keep loving you,” I am teaching that only the good can be loved. That lie causes incredible damage in children. Think how much more powerful of a lesson I could teach by holding to my principles and my love. That says to my child, “You can be loved no matter what, even when you are bad.“

If we never receive love from those that think that you are wrong, we will never understand that even the wrong can be loved. We will never have hope when we fall short. We will never believe that we can be saved after doing something damnable.

There is a reason why God has spoken to us His truth and His commandments alongside His love and His care. The scriptures show us the example of a parent who will not compromise His standard for us, but who will not stop loving us either. That is the love that can be trusted. That is the love can be built on like a rock. That is the love that saves.

Posted on by Abe Austin

Deeper Love- Unconditional Love

The Love of an Enemy)

I’ve already made a couple posts challenging the notion that I cannot love my brothers and sisters and also stand opposed to certain lifestyle choices that they engage in. I do not condemn such people, because it is not my place to condemn, and I do not seek opportunity to disparage or insult. I seek to speak with love and consideration, but if the matter of certain behaviors comes up, I will bear my honest testimony based upon the word of God. Thus, I will love my fellow man, but I will not compromise my conscience.

And as I’ve considered this conviction, I’ve realized that it is only from such a foundation that love can be unconditional and reliable. As I consider my own relationship with Christ, I must confess that for a long time I was his enemy, openly disobeying his word as a pattern of life, even though I knew he stood against it. But what does Paul teach of God’s attitude towards enemies like me?

“But God commendeth his love toward us, in that, while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us,” (Romans 5:8).

God loved me, and sent His son to die for me, while I was still a sinner, still an enemy to everything that He stood for. And if He loved me when I was His enemy, what more could I do to lose His love? He was already diametrically opposed to me, so it didn’t matter what I did, His love was always still there. It was the surest, most unconditional thing that I have ever had.

A Sure Foundation)

And I truly believe that this is true for sincere disciples of Christ also. We are able to be opposed to sin yet still love the sinner. I would not consider myself to be your enemy, but perhaps you consider me such. Fine, so be it. Then I am at least an enemy that loves you. And even as you continue to do enemy things, and work against me, I will still love you.

Isn’t it obvious that the love that says, “Even though I disagree, even though I will never support your cause…I still love you as a brother or sister” is more powerful than the love that would say, “I will compromise all of my convictions to make you happy?”

Speaking for myself, I would far rather have 100 enemies who still had the basic love of humanity for me, than one “friend” who abandoned his convictions to be by my side. I could always trust in the love that came from the person rooted in his convictions. The “love” of the friend who has abandoned his core is far more unpredictable and conditional.

Posted on by Abe Austin

Deeper Love- Love Without Acceptance

An Unfounded Assertion)

Yesterday I discussed some of my issues with the question, “How can you say you follow Jesus and his commandment to love everyone, while also not accepting members of the LGBT community?” And for today’s discussion, we can even drop the parts about Jesus’s teachings and religious belief. Leaving us the more general assertion that if you do not accept someone’s sexual or gender identity, that you do not love them.

This assertion is built upon the assumption that love = acceptance. That assumption is everywhere in our society today, but nowhere have I seen it justified. Love and acceptance are clearly two different concepts, with two different meanings entirely, so why would we assume that they were equivalent, or that one was the necessary component of the other? It is not immediately apparent to me that this is the case, and I have never seen any argument, let alone a convincing one, that such a claim is logical.

Love Defined by Whom?)

And how can we determine whether someone has genuine love for another person or not? A spouse might say that she loves her husband every day right up until she serves him divorce papers. A father might struggle to ever say that he loves his children, even though he sacrifices for them every day. Is not the man who feels the love most qualified to know that it is really there? How can we tell a person that there is no love in his heart, when we do not personally feel what stirs within him?

I believe that when people suggest that love = acceptance, what they really mean is, “I can only feel loved if you accept me.” What they are describing then is not an inability for love to be sent by the lover, but an inability to receive it by the loved. Such a plain admission is unlikely, because usually in these conversations there is an intention to place the problem in the other person, but requiring acceptance says more about the person who demands it than the person not providing it.

If a person is unable to receive love unless special, personally defined criteria are met, then the solution is to examine what walls they have built up on their own side, to ask, “What is wrong in me that receiving love does not come naturally?” Just as if I find that I really am unable to love a person while fundamentally disagreeing with them, then the solution is for me to examine what walls I have built up on my side, to ask, “What is wrong in me that giving love is not natural?” If both of us will work inward, rather than at the other, then we will achieve the shared goal of love being given and received.

Posted on by Abe Austin

Deeper Love- Common Criticisms

Disagreements on Love)

As a traditional Christian, I have been challenged about how I can follow Jesus’s admonition to love everyone, and also be opposed to certain lifestyles, particularly those under the LGBT umbrella. I’d like to take a couple posts to address this matter. Sometimes I feel these questions are posed in good faith, and sometimes not, but in both cases, I believe the inquirer deserves for me to have ordered my thoughts and feelings into a coherent and genuine answer.

To start things off for today, I do have to point out why I say that sometimes these questions are not asked in good faith. I believe that many of the people asking these questions don’t actually believe that disapproval precludes love. We all have people that are very close to us, that engage in something that we think is hurtful, that we wish they felt differently on, that we fundamentally disagree with them about. Whether it be politics, or self-destructive behavior, or mannerisms, we all see flaws in other people, even the ones we love most. Yes, differences of opinion can become a source of hostility, and sour love in a relationship, but we all know that it doesn’t have to be that way. We can both love a person and disagree with parts of them.

Of course, it is true that I could profess to be a Christian and also have a deep hate and resentment for everyone in the LGBT community. That is a possibility, but it is not a foregone conclusion. It is also possible that I can both love and disagree.

Narrow Questions)

I do also find it interesting that I only ever get these questions related to people living an LGBT lifestyle. As a traditional Christian, there are many other lifestyle choices that I am also opposed to, yet no one ever asks me why I “don’t love them.” For example, I’m just as opposed to fornication, adultery, and most forms of divorce. Why not challenge me as to whether I can still love a person who cheated on his spouse or who got a divorce because he just wasn’t feeling it anymore?

From what I have observed, it seems that the love of Christians is only brought into question on LGBT matters because that movement is unique in its requirement for total acceptance. The fact that these questions only come up in such narrow contexts suggests more about the views of the people that ask them than they say about me and my views.

I think it’s also worth noting that among all the behaviors that I renounce as a Christian are ones that I struggle with also! I have spoken at some length on this blog about my addiction to pornography, which I absolutely condemn as one of the greatest evils of our day. I have always known that it is wrong, and every time that I’ve engaged with it I’ve felt deep shame, but also each time I strive to fall back in love with the Son of God that still lives inside of me. Thus, on questions of whether I can disapprove of behavior but still love the individual, my practice begins with myself.

Posted on by Abe Austin

Coming to God Through Others

The Order of Love)

1 John 4:20 states: If a man say, I love God, and hateth his brother, he is a liar: for he that loveth not his brother whom he hath seen, how can he love God whom he hath not seen?

This is an interesting claim. It doesn’t just seem to be saying that hate of a brother gets in the way of our love for God, it seems to be setting an order of progression, where love of brother comes before love of God. It says that we have to learn what we can see, before we can have any hope of loving what we cannot.

And at first this seemed backwards when compared to my personal experience. I would have said that I always loved God, and growing closer to Him was fundamental to increasing my love for others. But as I thought more about it, I wouldn’t say that I always loved God, I would say that I always loved my idea of Him.

But God is not just an idea, He is an actual being, who has to be known as He really is before you can love Him as He really is. And coming to know and love the real Him, in my personal life, did come only after getting to know and love a group of brothers. It occurred as I attended 12-step groups for the first time. There, I started to have real conversations with other men and developed a real appreciation for each one of them. Then, and only then, I started to see the reflection of the real God in their eyes and started to love Him, too.

And yes, loving God did increase my ability to love my fellow man, so there is a positive feedback loop here, but it all started with coming to know and love those around me first.

Avatars of the Almighty)

Unfortunately, many of our interactions with our fellow man are shallow. Too many of them are neutral at best, with many of them being downright negative. We all-too-rarely get close enough to see the spark of the divine in another person and fall in love with that inner soul. We see too many of God’s children as an obstacle in our lives, not as the avatar for the Almighty. But that’s what they really are.

We are told in the very first chapter of the Bible, “So God created man in his own image,” (Genesis 1:27). Mankind, flawed as it might be, are the closest any of us will ever come in this life to seeing the face of God. The best representation of God is not our ideas of Him, not His commandments and principles, and not the churches that profess His name. The best representation of God is the people who hold His light aloft. All the other things are good, and point us part of the way, but it is in people that we actually start to meet Him.

So, let us ask ourselves, do I know and love Godly people in that personal and intimate way? Do I look for the spark of the divine, even in those who are flawed and oppose me? If our answer is no, then we’ve never really known and loved the real God either. If our answer is yes, then we have already had glimpses of God, and can continue to pursue Him further in all the rest of our brothers and sisters.

Posted on by Abe Austin

Do You Love Jesus?

Yes, Jesus truly loves you, no matter how you live your life
But that is only half of a relationship
Do you truly love him back?

Posted on by Abe Austin

A Loving Relationship with Christ- Conclusion

Summary)

In this study I have considered those that excuse sinful behavior with their testimony that Jesus loves us all, which is used to imply that he will accept even those who live in a manner that is condemned by the scriptures. I have strongly disagreed with this statement, though I have also emphasized that the claims of Jesus’s universal and radical love for us is true. Those assertions I have no dispute with at all.

But as I have pointed out, being loved by Jesus is not one-and-the-same as being saved. Jesus’s own words make clear that not everyone who calls on his name and invokes his love will be able to join him in the kingdom of heaven. Some of those that he loves will not be found acceptable in the day of judgment. This is a sober statement, and not popular, but the scriptures are abundantly clear on the matter.

I made clear in this study that what actually does save us is a real and living relationship with Christ. And while half of that relationship is defined by him knowing and loving us, which is a gift that is given to us freely, the other half requires us to know and love him back, which requires deliberate action on our part. Specifically, the scriptures say that they require us to follow the commandments.

Only those who are willing to stop living in sin as a way of life, and who earnestly seek to obey Christ, and sincerely repent when they fall short, are going to genuinely develop a loving and knowing relationship with him. And only those that genuinely develop a loving and knowing relationship with him will be saved.

In my last post, I also made the point that living in a state of sin generally comes from a dearth of feeling the love of Christ, not an abundance. People habitually sin as a coping mechanism, and usually what we are coping for is how unworthy and fundamentally unlovable we feel. Even if we believe Christ loves us in our head, deeply feeling the reality of that in our hearts is necessary for us to stop coping and sinning as a way of life.

Words of Hope)

Thus, the call to surrender our sin and become holy is not a call of forced perfectionism. It is not a call to white-knuckle our way through life. It is a call to break down the walls we’ve built inside, let the love of Christ flow in, genuinely feel it in our hearts, and then love him back by following his way.

The call to repentance is not one of shame and burden, it is one of love, freedom, and hope. Does it involve surrender? Does it involve change? Does it involve following rules? Yes, but it isn’t really about the surrender, it’s about not needing to harm oneself anymore. Not really about the change, but about being restored. Not really about the rules, but about reciprocating our Savior’s love. It is a glad message, even the most joyful one the world has ever known.

Posted on by Abe Austin

A Loving Relationship with Christ- Missing Love

Discovering Jesus’s Love)

I have already discussed how Christians that defend sinful habits by an appeal to the love of Jesus Christ are incorrectly conflating being loved with being saved. But actually, I think there is an even more fundamental confusion than that. When they say, “well Jesus loves me anyway,” I suspect that most of them don’t actually believe that.

My reason for this is personal experience. For much of my life I was a slave to a sinful addiction, and through it all I would have adamantly insisted that Jesus loved me. But it was not an excess of Jesus’s love that gave me license to do evil, it was a dearth of it. For while I truly believed in Jesus’s love in my head, I did not feel it whatsoever in my heart.

Indeed, it was as I managed to break down my walls and actually start feeling his love that my behavior became more holy also. I could never feel the beautiful reality of his love and continue living in sin. That’s not say that I’m perfect, to say that I don’t still do wrong things from time to time, but I can say that I don’t live in sin like how I used to. What was once a way of life are now only slips were, and it was his love was what made that change possible.

A Recurring Pattern)

And I’ve been to enough 12-step meetings to know that this isn’t only true for me. One of the most common refrains I’ve heard in these stories is a severing of the connection to the love of Christ, and the resultant increase in sin. I’ve heard many of these men say something like, “I knew that Jesus loved everybody in the world…just maybe not me.”

For many people, sin is used as a drug to try and dull the sense of being fundamentally unlovable. They do what they do from a starvation of love, not an excess of it. Those that are truly secure in Christ’s love are freed from the spiritual pain that leads to wrongdoing. Those that are truly secure in Christ’s love, and know that he died for their sins, feel less compulsion to hurt him, not more.

I understand why people who are not ready to let go of their sins would look for a divine excuse to not change their ways. I think invoking the love of Christ is not only inaccurate, though, I think it is tragic, because admitting that they don’t feel any love is one and the same as hard as admitting that they’re not doing okay. They have my sympathy, not by disdain, but sometimes the kindest thing is to speak the hard truths that sting…and then heal.