Posted on by Abe Austin

Sharing Feelings- Unburdened Shame

Different Shares)

In my last post I talked about the claim that men struggle because they don’t share their feelings, and how there is a real truth to that statement, but that too often the proposed solution is unhelpful, even harmful. For too many, “sharing feelings” just turns into complaining, to shifting blame outwards, and finding others to stoke one’s feeling of righteous indignation. Feeding one’s rage is quite the rush. It feels “good” in a power-fantasy sort of way. But it does not do good for us. Ultimately, it only makes things worse.

I also mentioned in my last post that there is such a thing as acknowledging and surrendering genuine wounds, and that is healthy. The critical difference is that this healthy sharing is oriented towards accepting and releasing, not clutching and festering.

What is more, there is another sort of “sharing feelings” that is healing, needed constantly throughout life, and it hardly ever gets discussed at all. Usually, it only comes up in religious contexts, while the broader world shrinks from it at any cost. And that is, confession of guilt.

Admitting Wrongs)

By far, the bottled-up feelings that afflict the most people and cause the most damage is their shame. The feelings that men (and I suspect women, too) most need to share with one another is their deep regret, embarrassment, and guilt.

People try to live without shame by just not acknowledging it. By being “shameless” and pretending they don’t feel bad about what they have done. But if one cannot own their own shame, then they cannot be freed from it. Genuine shamelessness comes from fully embracing it, fully sharing it, and fully giving it to God. As James taught us, “Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed” (James 5:16).

Of course, you mustn’t just share your greatest flaws with just anyone. “Cast not your pearls before swine,” (Matthew 7:6). Our sins and our crimes against God and man are very vulnerable and must only be shared in the most sacred and trusted of space. But shared they must be. We should all seek a group, a sincere friend, or an honorable spiritual leader where we can bring out our worst and receive of their best. And we must have this communion continually, as new wrongs require new confession, and we live in a perpetual cycle of taking on burdens and then having them taken off.

This is the sort of emotional unloading that will actually make men healthier, stronger, happier, and whole. Not complaining about the wrongs of others, but admitting to the wrongs of themselves. This is where true healing begins.

Posted on by Abe Austin

Sharing Feelings- Unhealthy Communication

Dangerous Suppression)

A common plea that is made today is for men to better “express their feelings.” Men are recognized as being a lonely, unsupported demographic, prone to bad behavior because of unresolved turmoil within. And in my experience, there is some truth to this. I have been a man deeply troubled by the unspoken tribulation within me, and that profoundly negative state of mind did lead me to violate my own conscience and cause harm to those around me. Finding men’s groups where I could talk freely and also going through some one-on-one therapy was extremely healing.

But it didn’t have to be. One thing that I have learned for sure is that not all men’s groups and not all therapy is created equal. Some of it is extremely helpful. Some of it is useless. And some of it actually causes more harm. And what it comes down to is this: just what feelings are being shared.

Unhealthy Sharing)

The sort of “feelings sharing” that I see actively causing damage is when men complain about all that is wrong in their lives, and spiral into greater and greater feelings of anger. This is something I see both men and women having a problem with actually. This unhealthy communication isn’t about getting the anger of out their system, it is about validating and reinforcing it. Those that participate often respond with something like, “oh yeah, that is ridiculous, and that’s just what I’m dealing with, too…” which only multiplies the angry sentiment. It isn’t commiserating; it is compounded misery.

To be clear, genuine wounds do need to be addressed. Everyone has formative suffering in their lives, and carrying those burdens alone is unhealthy. Healing from these is very sacred, but it looks different. It looks like surrendering, accepting, forgiving, and releasing. If there is rage, it is expressed so that it can be let go of, not so that it can go back into the feedback loop of pain, to rage, to pain.

Healing from genuine wounds does not come by rehashing one’s anger over and over and over. It comes in a moment of holding, accepting, and then letting go. Anything that looks different from that tends to be about driving the pain deeper, not getting it out.

And, let us be honest, not all that gets shared in these misery sessions is genuine wounds. Often it is complaining about things that we don’t like in other people, ways that they trigger our insecurities, ways that they prevent from getting what we want. Most of these complaints don’t deserve any of our time at all, let alone the hours and hours of moaning that some people give to them.

This is what unhealthy sharing looks like, but I mentioned that I had also seen good in another form of men meeting together and sharing the weightier things of their hearts. So what does that look like? I will go into detail tomorrow.