Posted on by Abe Austin

Grit vs Surrender- The Gritty Life

Eternal Conflict)

In my last post I discussed how God’s commandments invite us to relinquish the slavery of our sin. Ego, lust, and vanity all make demands of us, they make us do things that are harsh and damaging, but then God sets us free. Those of us that see God’s commandments as oppressive assume that vice is a basic human need. Only when we see vice for the chains that they are, do we understand that God’s intention for us is liberation.

Thus far this message of freedom has been directed to those that suffer under the tyranny of sin but have not yet realized it. Today, though, we will shift focus to those that understand the greater liberty of righteousness, but who struggle with the part that still clings to their vices.

There are many faithful, including myself, who know their vices, who wish to be rid of them, who believe that life will be better and freer once we do, but who still keep a part of those vices even so. Many-a-time we try to make a clean cut from our old ways but continually wind up back where we started. Some of us have simply resolved that this is our cross to bear throughout the rest of our lives, never accepting the vice, always fighting against its pull, but never being totally rid of it either. From this view, grit and effort are simply part of what it means to be a Christian.

Still Holding Back)

And there may actually be some truth in that perspective, but also there is some lie. I will speak from my own experience. I have certainly struggled back and forth, working my hardest against my carnal self, trying to make some progress by taking two-steps-forward-and-one-step-back. As I have investigated this experience, though, I have found that the real root of my struggle is that I’m still holding something back from God.

Initially, I didn’t even realize that I was doing so. And even when I started to assume that I was still holding something back, I didn’t know right away what it was. I had assumed that I just enjoyed my vices, but on closer inspection, the reasons for holding onto them went much deeper than surface desire. Typically, I do the vices as a way to cover something more tender and vulnerable that I’m not yet ready to commit to the will of God.

Thus, I try to make myself better, but because I’m not identifying the core vulnerability and not ready to surrender it to God, I’m destined to fail. I am setting myself up for a life of continually trying, and slipping, and trying again. It is a hard life to live. It is a gritty life. It might be a step up from a life of wanton indulgence, but it is still not the life that God meant for me to live.

Thus far, I’ve spoken of things in general. Tomorrow, I’ll give a specific example of a vice that I struggled with for years, and the unwillingness to surrender that was behind it.

Posted on by Abe Austin

Virtue is Greater Than Vice

Performing a virtue is always more challenging, and requires greater strength of character, than to perform its counterpart vice.

If I were to tell you that one man killed for his cause, and that another man died for his cause, which man would you say held the greater commitment and resolve to his cause? Obviously, the man that was willing to die.

So, too, it is more impressive to admit the truth than tell a lie, more inspiring to give away a fortune than to amass it, and more meaningful to restore peace than to start a feud.

We do not applaud the vice because we know it is very easy to do, whereas the virtue is always accomplished by walking upstream, against one’s own nature, and thus truly extraordinary. Any man that lives by virtue is forever greater than the one that lives by vice.

Posted on by Abe Austin

What Benefit Do You Get From Your Sins?

There are a number of reasons why people break God’s commandments. Perhaps they do not believe in God, or they don’t see the importance of the commandment, or they don’t want to feel dictated in their behavior. All of these examples are a form of the person not agreeing with the commandment, so they don’t keep it.

But there is another category of commandment-breaking as well. We also break commandments that we do agree with. All of us have things where we say, “I know I shouldn’t do that…but I do it anyway. “I know I shouldn’t yell at my kids,” “I know I shouldn’t give in to my lust,” “I know I shouldn’t be so materialistic.” We can be genuinely convinced that that behavior really is wrong, yet have no plans or intention to stop it.

In these sorts of situations, I feel it is important to ask, “What is it that I am getting from this sin?” And that question should be asked sincerely. In our shame we might be tempted to respond, “Nothing, I get nothing from it, I just do it because I’m no good,” but that’s probably inaccurate. Most likely we continue with our sin because in the midst of all of the disgraceful, destructive elements of it, there is also something of value that we gain.

  • I know I shouldn’t yell at my kids…but it gives me an element of control.
  • I know I shouldn’t give in to my lust…but it soothes my loneliness.
  • I know I shouldn’t be so materialistic…but it motivates me to work harder.

Though we might not like giving into our vices, we’re not ready to live without the benefits that come with them. We might say that we don’t think that the ends justify the means, that the positive attribute isn’t more important to us than the negative ones, but our behavior would suggest otherwise. Part of us really does believe that the vice is the best way to get what we want, and it is terrified at the idea of living without that.

Identifying which benefit our vice provides us is the first step to being able to do something about it. Once we know what it is we are trying to get from the behavior, we can start to consider better ways that we can get it. Maybe we really do need more control in our home, or reprieve from our loneliness, or motivation to work hard. Is there another way that we can achieve that? A way that doesn’t compromise our conscience? A way that is harder, but more pure?

Hopefully so. But if not, then we still have our second option, which is to surrender the benefit to God. The fact is, we can’t always have all of the benefits that we want in our lives, at least not by moral means. Having identified exactly what that benefit is, though, allows us to be very specific when we lay it on the altar. We don’t just say, “God, I give you my will,” we say, “Here, God. I lay my desire for companionship on the altar. It seems for this chapter of life I just have to be lonely and I surrender to Your will in that. I will no longer seek to numb the pain from that loneliness by immoral behavior. I will embrace the hurt, that I may learn whatever lessons that You have for me in it. Amen.”

Posted on by Abe Austin

Do I Even Have an Addiction? -Part Two

Try Breaking the Shackles)

In my last post I said that if are unsure whether your negative behavior qualifies as an “addiction,” simply make a sincere commitment to stop doing it. I’ll further add that when you do, be sure to consider the usual excuses people give for giving up their resolutions and promise yourself that you won’t give in to any of those pitfalls. Promise yourself that you won’t ever say “well this next time will be the last time.” Commit to never say “I’ll make the change when I hit this next milestone in my life.” Assure yourself that you won’t be dissuaded by situations or friends. Acknowledge that the desire to do this behavior will rise again and resolve that you won’t give in to it even so.

And if you feel like you don’t agree with one of these commitments, then have an honest conversation with yourself about why not. Perhaps you want to stop overdrinking but not drinking altogether. Perhaps you want to commit to eating healthy when on your own but also want to leave the door open to getting a burger with friends. Perhaps you don’t want to keep viewing pornography after you’re married, but you figure in the meantime it isn’t hurting anyone.

If you find yourself making such concessions, then I would advise still making the commitment to cut the behavior out entirely, but you can make it temporary if you’d like. Say that you won’t do the behavior, not even for any of your usual exceptions, for three months. After that, after you’ve proven whether you can have your indulgence or leave it entirely at your own whim, then you’ll know whether you’re in control of the situation or not.

Many people attempt to do exactly this and are shocked to find that the future version of themselves goes entirely off rails from what they had previously decided. They come to realize that there are two persons living inside of them, one who is calm, in control, and rational, and another who throws all that out the window in a moment of impulse. We often make the mistake that addicts are always addicts. Sometimes that is the case, but more often I would say that addicts are only addicts some of the time. Because of this fact, the majority of addicts actually don’t know that they are ones until they try the sort of test that I described above. Nothing proves whether you are a prisoner than when you see if you can open the door to get out. It is sincerely trying to stop, and utterly failing to do so, that one becomes convinced that they really have an addiction.

Or, at least, this is the point where some become convinced that they have an addiction. Even after all this, some will try to write off their failure as a fluke, as a result of improper commitment or methodology. They remain convinced that they really are their own master, they just need to have the right approach in swearing off their troublesome behavior.

Very well, let them try again and again, by all manner of different methodologies. Let them read and employ every self-help book that promises to give them full control of self. Let them have as many failures as is required to finally surrender and say that they are a lost cause.

If at any point they do manage to break free, and permanently, then well enough. They have proven something to themself and they have managed to right their ship. But in my experience, it is very much the minority of people that will ever achieve this. Most often, by the time one even begins to wonder whether they have an addiction or not, the shackles are already thick and heavy.

Your Common humanity)

It might seem a shameful and discouraging thing to learn that you are a slave to your behavior. You might feel that that classifies you as the very worst of humanity, but nothing could be further from the truth. If you felt so sure that your vices were only minor indiscretions, and then discovered that they were addictions run amuck, you can be sure that there are untold billions for whom this pattern holds as well. In fact, you are in a more elevated minority simply by having come to accept the truth of yourself. Most people choose to remain completely self-deluded.

The fact is none of us get a free pass in this life. Either some tremendous hardship, or addiction, or both will take us all. We each will be broken by something that we cannot control. The fact that you don’t have the power over your own behaviors only means that you are human. Along with learning that you are no better than the rest of us, also be sure that you are no worse.

Or, perhaps, even after testing your resolve and finding it lacking you still feel anxious about the label of “addict.” Perhaps you acknowledge that you have a problem, that is it out of your control, but you still have some bias that prevents you from describing that problem as an addiction. Tomorrow we will begin examining the semantics of it, and the social influences that cause us to shun these labels.

Posted on by Abe Austin

Do I Even Have an Addiction? -Part One

Is it a Problem?)

For the last year I’ve been attending a 12-step group for lust and pornography addiction. Every couple weeks we will have a new attendee who feels embarrassed about being present. Quite frequently they’ll introduce themselves with something like “Hey, so…I don’t really know if I have an ‘addiction,’ per se, but I just figured I ought to come here and see if it feels like it might be beneficial for me…”

Let’s take a closer look at one of these individuals. We’ll make up one called Pete. Now Pete knows that his behavior isn’t what he wants it to be, but he’s uncomfortable with the notion that he is chronically or perpetually enslaved to that behavior. Pete’s willing to admit that he has a “problem,” but it seems a stretch to classify it as an addiction.

When Pete thinks of the word “addict” he imagines a grizzled man sleeping on a park bench, or a nervous kid hawking his mother’s jewelry in a back alley, or a young woman selling her body for drugs. He imagines people who are ruining themselves mind, body, and soul, who are completely out-of-control, who have severed all ties to anyone that used to love them. Those are all clearly addicts, but surely Peter, who goes to church, has a family, and pays his bills couldn’t be an addict…could he?

Choice vs Compulsion)

Another key element that keeps Pete from identifying as an addict is the matter of choice. An addict is defined by his inability to choose, he his compelled to act, even to his own destruction. But while Pete doesn’t like all of the things that he does, he still feels that it is a choice when he does them. His behavior is problematic, but he doesn’t believe it is out-of-control. He does these things because he wants to do them. Granted, he doesn’t always want to do them, sometimes he very much wishes that he didn’t do them at all, but sometimes he does want to do them and that’s when he “makes the choice” to do so. He’s not saying that that’s a good thing, but he does say that he isn’t being forced against his will.

One might ask Pete that if he still retains free choice in this area, then why doesn’t he make a firm and final decision that he isn’t going back to that behavior anymore? If at all possible, try to catch Pete when he is feeling a strong desire to act out and ask him then if he is still in control.

“Yes,” Pete answers us. “I really am in control. I can choose to do this, and I can choose not to. In fact, I think I’ll make both choices here and now. I’ll choose to go ahead and do this just one more time, and then I’ll choose that I’m done for good!”

“Could you choose to be done before this last time instead of after?”

“Of course…but I don’t want to. I want to choose to do it this one time for the last time, and then be done forever.”

“You say that you do not want to choose to stop just yet. In general, are you able to choose to do things that you do not want to?”

“Yes, of course. I choose to do unpleasant things when I have to all the time. I go to work when I don’t feel like it, I help my neighbor shovel his driveway, I skip the dessert line if I’ve had too much to eat. I can choose to do things that I don’t want.”

“Then choose to do this thing that you don’t want. Choose that the last time you acted out was the last time. Choose that you won’t act out again now even though you want to.”

“I…don’t want to.”

“But you have just said that you can, even if you don’t want to. You’ve already claimed that you are in control, but what does that even mean unless you can choose in spite of what you want? That’s what control means. So choose to stop now, even though you do not want to, and that is the only way to prove that you really are in control here.”

How Pete squirms! For as unsure and out-of-place as he felt at his first twelve-step meeting, he soon starts to realize that he’s just as crazy as all the “real” addicts there. Usually by a newcomer’s third or fourth meeting he’s willing to throw in the towel and admit that his “little problem” is actually his slave driver!

A Needed Perspective)

And frankly, that’s why we need to go to a twelve-step group. It provides just this sort of well-meaning confrontation which shows us our own inconsistency. The sooner we go to group, the sooner we feel pushed to give up our pet vice. The sooner we try to give up our vice, the sooner our illusion of self-control is dismantled. It is only when we try to resist against our vices that we feel the hooks they already have in us. We only ever felt we were in control because we had never tried to make a choice that went against the script.

Posted on by Abe Austin

Holding Back the Tide: Part Two

Shifting Impulses)

Yesterday I spoke about how trying to overcome one addiction might simply cause it to shift to another area. Recognizing this tendency is important if we want to live an actually healthy life, not just a life that is unhealthy in a different way.

As I suggested yesterday, slipping into our vices one way or another will always be easier than being healthy. Just as gravity is a constant downward force in the physical world, there is also a constant downward force in the spiritual world, making it easier and simpler for us to fall than to rise. And like gravity, this evil force can pull at us from all directions.

Fortunately, from the times when I have been the most sincere in my recovery, I have discovered some things that can help a great deal. Today I’ll be taking a look at them.

Emptying the Cup)

If I were to ask you to empty all of the air out of a cup, how would you do it? Obviously tipping the cup upside down wouldn’t suffice. You could suck the air out with a straw, but of course other air would flow right back in to take its place. You could make a seal on the top of the cup and then suck out all of the air, creating a vacuum, but this would likely cause the cup to collapse inward and destroy itself.

However, there is one, simple and non-destructive way that the task can be done. Instead of only trying to get the air out, you can simultaneously put something different in. If you pour water into the cup, for example, then the air will naturally be replaced, thus fulfilling the task.

So, too, with getting out a vice. That vice took up a certain amount of your time and energy, and if you just try to scoop it out of your day you have now created an emptiness that will be filled with something else. If you don’t give any thought to what will make use of that time and energy, then it’s probably going to be some other vice because, as I stated above, vice is easier than virtue. If you try to take the vice out and then seal off that freed-up time, not allowing anything to make use of it, you will eventually collapse under the pressures of boredom and frustration.

So, for every evil thing you want to take out of your life, you’re going to need to replace it with an equal measure of good. You need to deliberately start doing something new, something that carries the same expense of time and energy that you were using for the vice.

For me, that led to starting this blog and writing stories. These were very large undertakings, but that was appropriate, because they were replacing a large addiction. It definitely took some work to get my writing going, but once it became a regular practice then going back to the addiction wasn’t even an option, because now it would have to displace the writing that had taken its place and I just couldn’t accept that.

Preserve What You Have)

But if you are going to start a new practice, then consistency is absolutely key. Have you ever found yourself rotating between life-changes that you want to make, shoring up one, just to see the others slip back out of control? I might go on a rotation between things like exercising, getting to bed on time, and saying meaningful prayers. I’ll make a real effort to start exercising, and I’ll make progress there, only to realize that my bedtimes have been slipping later and later into the night. So I’ll focus on when I get to bed, while trying to maintain my exercising, but then I realize I’ve totally forgotten about having a meaningful prayer in the morning. So I focus on that, only to lose my grip on exercise.

In some cases, this is a result of trying to do too much. Yes, a healthy, well-rounded life requires balance, but you only have so many hours in a day and so much of a reserve of willpower. By pouring it all into one area at the start of the day, you may not have enough resolve remaining for all the later tasks. And this cyclical pattern of restarting and abandoning practices only serves to ensure that none of them become a part of regular habit.

So as I’ve already said, one needs to fill their day with deliberate, good things, but they also need to not overfill it. One must put together their core practices with judgment and care, and perhaps their first plan doesn’t work perfectly, and needs to be revised over time.

A Work in Progress)

This is still an area that I am working on myself. I think I have learned and understand some important principles, but the knowledge alone is not enough to make me a perfect practitioner. I am, at least, aware of my shortcomings, and committed to fixing them. I’ll continue to check in from time-to-time, keeping you apprised of my progress. In future series I will also detail more of how I am creating a schedule of healthy tasks to replace the vices in my life, and some of the challenges I have faced while implementing it. For now, though, I’ll move on to another topic for tomorrow. I’ll see you there.

Posted on by Abe Austin

All or Nothing- Matthew 6:24, James 1:7-8

No man can serve two masters: for either he will hate the one, and love the other; or else he will hold to the one, and despise the other. Ye cannot serve God and mammon.

For let not that man think that he shall receive any thing of the Lord.
A double minded man is unstable in all his ways.

COMMENTARY

No man can serve two masters
A double minded man is unstable in all his ways
There are many that are prepared to follow God…with caveats. Perhaps they wish to be His disciple, but still nurse a vice on the side. I myself have lived under the mindset that there was a cosmic set of scales in heaven, and I just needed to do enough good things to balance out all the bad things that I was doing, too.
It is an alluring philosophy, one that would permit willful indulgences while only making token good offerings now and again. However this notion is not supported in any passage of scripture. While on my mission I met quite a few people who said of their vices: “well, like the Bible says, ‘do, but don’t overdo.'” Which quotation…flummoxed me to say the least! You can open a search engine if you don’t believe me, but nowhere does the Bible say any such thing.
Obviously it is unrealistic to expect total perfection while we live in this fallen state. For sure we are going to fall short and continually depend on grace. But accepting that we need grace is not the same as condoning sin. Though this philosophy of willful indulgence may come in many different forms and compelling arguments, the source of them is always the same. There is the only being that would teach a philosophy which indulges doing things that you know are wrong. And that being does not do this to be a nice guy, his intent is strictly malicious. He is no friend of ours.