Sometimes when I converse with God I hear the kindest, warmest, and most loving voice I have ever heard. At other times, He seems clinical and formal, still telling me good things, but without His usual warmth. As I have examined those different experiences I have come to realize that it is not God who changes His manner, but I who change what tone I am willing to receive.

When God feels direct and cold to me, it is because I am not open to receiving His love. Sometimes I am frustrated with myself, unwilling to love myself, and so I set up a wall to keep His love out also. He speaks to me as kindly as I allow Him.

Sometimes He doesn’t just sound cold, though, sometimes I can’t even hear Him at all. But once again, it isn’t because He has abandoned me, but because I have gone and shut myself in a room without Him. Even then, though, “he stands at the door, and knocks: and if I will open the door, he will come in with me,” (Revelation 3:20).

And the fact that he will come in with me has been the most meaningful thing to me in those low moments. He doesn’t require me to break down my walls and come out into the open if I’m not yet willing to. He is content to come stay in the dark hovel with me. He will sit with me in the shadow, with only His presence for a light, until I’m finally ready to leave.