Times of Deterioration)

So far, I’ve shared about my time of great moral decline while in the thick of addiction, a spiritual awakening with a true redemptive experience, long periods of maintenance with daily ritual, and occasional moments of surges in moral improvement when there is a spiritual breakthrough that corrects my core beliefs.

But this account would not be completely honest if I didn’t also mention that sometimes those long periods of maintenance have instead looked like periods of gradual deterioration. Sometimes my plateau periods have had a gradual upward bump, and sometimes they’ve had a gradual downward divot. And even with allowing myself some grace, I certainly can’t condone those periods of deterioration.

So, I’m still figuring some things out. Not only have I not arrived at my perfect destination, but I also haven’t fully figured out my process for getting there. I’m still grateful for the overall trajectory of the last decade and optimistic for the future. I’m definitely in a much better place than I used to be, but I am also still a student who is learning.

The Common Struggle)

I do take solace in the knowledge that what I am describing is by no means an uncommon struggle. Indeed, it seems to be a stumbling block that virtually every man and woman who has tried to live a life of constant self-improvement has tripped over. From every account that I have seen, setbacks and disappointments are an expected part of the journey.

Maybe that doesn’t have to be the story for all of life. Maybe there is an awakening from which there is no more dozing. But also, maybe that’s a state reserved for the afterlife.

Either way, I can still continue forward and upward. I can hold myself to a higher standard while also acknowledging that I do still stumble. That is the honest description for where I am and the work that I am trying to do.