Posted on by Abe Austin

Redeemed Through Christ- Part Two

This last Sunday I was invited to speak to my congregation, where I shared my personal experience with redemption. I posted the first half of that message yesterday, now here is the rest of it.

Part Two)

There is another pairing I saw in my journey of redemption that I would like to share as well. It is the pairing of Jeus’s unconditional love for me, and my love for him.

Just before I began my path of recovery, and wrote that letter to my wife, if you had asked me if Jesus loved me, I would have said, “of course!” But just as with my testimony of his atonement, it was only something I knew in my head. I did not feel it in my heart.

It wasn’t just ignorance, either, I was actively keeping his love away. I did not love myself, did not see how anyone could, and I certainly did not want the love of the most perfect being in the universe. I didn’t deserve it, so I couldn’t receive it. It was my therapist who started to break those paradigms. His name was Corey Holmgren. 

When I first met Corey, I was already breaking down the facade I had so carefully built up, and was now identifying with the shameful me underneath. But Corey helped me to see that underneath the shameful me there was also a wounded me, and under the wounded me, was a Son of God. And it was that Son of God, not the facade, the shame, or the wound, who was the real me. And that Son of God was lovable forever.

Where this really hit home was when Corey introduced me to a brotherhood of men also seeking recovery, and I cannot describe how paradigm-shifting of an experience it was to tell that brotherhood all of my deepest shames and regret, all the things that I thought it would kill me to tell to another person, and to have them respond by still loving me and wanting to be my friends. I didn’t know that that could happen. We were actively testing the promise in James 5:16: “Confess your faults one to another, and pray one for another, that ye may be healed,” and we found that promise to be true. And by seeing that sort of unconditional love in other men, I started to  believe that that love could be in God and Jesus as well.

In time, I came to hear these messages firsthand from my Savior. He and I had long conversations, where He took my mind back to experiences in my past, experiences that had built a wall between me and Him, and He showed me how His frame of that experience was different from my own, and that the wall was only on my side, and that I could take it down now, if I wanted, because it was keeping out the love that He had always had for me.

I became much more confident in the love of Christ, but like I said, there is a pairing here. Being loved by Jesus brought me to a certain level of redemption, but being able to sincerely love Him back was what made it complete.

I learned this on my recovery journey when I had a relapse. By that point, I genuinely felt comfortable in the love of Jesus, I still felt sure of it, but for the first time I realized that it wasn’t complete. It was a melody that needed a harmony. I prayed for God to come into my cold heart, but instead I felt the impression to start looking for a hymn to sing. Very quickly, I was led to a hymn I had never heard before, it’s not even in our own hymnal, called My Jesus, I Love Thee. I knew I had to sing it, out loud. I’ll spare you the singing, but I’d like to recite for you the first verse of that song:

My Jesus I love Thee, I know Thou art mine
For Thee all the follies of sin I resign
My gracious Redeemer, my Saviour art Thou
If ever I loved Thee my Jesus ’tis now

This song was a redeclaration of my love to Jesus, and as I sang it, I felt my heart come back to life. The tears flowed, and I learned that just as there is a Son of God inside of me that can always receive Jesus’s love, that Son of God can always love him back, even in my lowest moments.

A one-way love is charity; but reciprocated love is a relationship, and relationship is what Jesus ultimately seeks to redeem us back to. Relationship, being known and loved by Christ, and knowing and loving him back, is the literal definition of eternal life. John 17:3: “And this is life eternal, that they might know thee the only true God, and Jesus Christ, whom thou hast sent.” 

My experience of redemption is the most precious thing in my life. It is the story of me that I value the most, the one I hope to be most defined by. It isn’t just a story for me, though. It is meant to be the story of each and every one of us. And though this story can play out universally, in each instance it is totally unique. Every person’s story of redemption is their own, beautiful and different from any other. It is the most interesting story that any of us have to tell. 

For most of my life the principles of Redemption were ones that I believed in my head, but now I know in my heart that they are true. I hope that these things are true for you as well, or that they soon will be. In the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.

Posted on by Abe Austin

Redeemed Through Christ- Part One

This last Sunday I was invited to speak to my congregation, where I shared my personal experience with redemption. Preparing this message brought up some new ideas that I will explore in greater detail with upcoming posts. Other stories and ideas I have already covered in this blog. I don’t wish to bore you with redundant messages, but I did think that seeing my speech might be interesting to some of you. I’ll post the first half of it today, and the second half tomorrow.

Part One)

Stories of redemption, where people fall, and are then raised even higher, are woven all throughout our scriptures, our myths and legends, our history, even our books and movies. But of all the many stories of redemption, today I would like to focus on the one that I know best: my own. And I want to talk about it in terms of the pairings that it was made up of. The first of these pairings was the reality of damnation and then the reality of being saved.

My great demise came in the form of addiction to pornography. The whole thing started when I was about seven years old and progressed through various stages over the next twenty years. 

Now, from the very beginning I felt guilty about what I was doing, I knew it was wrong, I knew I had to repent of it. But I didn’t necessarily feel damned, because the whole time I insisted it was in my power to fix this on my own. So I tried, over and over, to just make myself be better. I kept telling myself that this next time would be the last time. I repeatedly prayed that God would just give me the determination to do things right.

And even though this approach never worked for me, I clung to it, because the only alternative would be to admit that I had become so lost that I could never find my way back again. And if you had asked me if I believed the atonement of Jesus Christ could rescue me, I would have said “yes,” but, looking back, I really only believed that in my head. I didn’t feel it in my heart. So, accepting that I was lost would include not having any confidence that anyone would ever come and find me.

Rather than accept that, I kept my addiction secret from everyone, even my wife, and pretended like I wasn’t damned. But no matter how I tried to hide it, there was a genuine darkness inside of me, and its nature was to damage me, and those closest to me. Thus, even as I was trying to preserve my life and my relationships, I was actively destroying them instead. When I finally saw this pattern, when it clicked for me, I finally decided I would rather be honestly damned than falsely holy.

So, one day, when I was alone in the house, I wrote a letter to my wife. In it, I shattered the facade I had been living behind and explained what was really going on. I left the letter just inside the entrance to the house, got in my car, and drove as far away as quickly as possible. I knew that I had to get far enough that she would make it back to the house before I could, because then I knew it was done. I couldn’t take it back, even if I wanted.

This is how I came to embrace the reality of my own damnation. At this point, for the first time in my life, I truly accepted that I was on track for hell and all that came with it. This was an absolutely necessary chapter in my personal story of redemption. I was never going to get any further without first taking this leap into the void.

What came next was a whirlwind of confession, surrender, and connection. My wife scheduled a meeting with our Bishop that very night, our Bishop recommended us to LifeStar, which does therapy for sex addicts and their couples, and my LifeStar therapist encouraged me to join a group of other men in recovery. Put simply, there was a long and difficult path of repentance and recovery set before me, one that I am still taking steps on to this day.

But while the journey has been long, redemption, much to my surprise, began immediately! Right from the day that I wrote the letter, I started to feel like my real self again. I felt like I had a soul! This was something I didn’t even know I was missing; it had been so long since I had felt it.

That rediscovery of the soul in addiction is not unusual, but what you might find unusual is that many of us addicts actually express gratitude for our addiction, even though we are in recovery from it, and we certainly don’t endorse it! See, from our perspective, if we hadn’t had something truly break us, we never would have sought out a real connection with God and the soul. And once we have found that connection, the journey that led us there, no matter how painful, is worth it, and we wouldn’t trade it for anything.

I like the way a good friend of mine put it: “if your sin isn’t real, your salvation isn’t real.” I would also say, “if you haven’t been truly broken, you don’t really know what it is to be restored.” Or as Eve, herself, put it in Moses 5:11: “Were it not for our transgression we never should have known good and evil, and the joy of our redemption.”

Now, this isn’t meant to say that we all need to get enslaved to an addiction, but I would say that we all need to exercise our awareness of the hopeless state that we would be in if not for Christ. Sooner or later, each one of us commits a sin that is a deliberate and willful violation of our own conscience. At a certain point, each one of us sacrifices something that we know is good, for something that we know is wrong. This is a fundamental betrayal, and when it happens, something inside of us breaks, and we can either run from that, or hide it, or we can go into that broken place, accept the reality of damnation, and there meet Jesus.

To be continued…

Posted on by Abe Austin

Ascend, Decline, or Plateau- Conclusion

Improvement and Maintenance)

Throughout this study I have shared different snapshots of my life, showing that I have personally experienced all the stages of moral development. I have been in sharp decline, dramatic rise, extended periods of maintenance, and gradual deterioration. I have explained some patterns I have seen along the way and admitted that there are still things that I am figuring out. Thus, I have only clues and snippets to offer, not the completed solution.

Those realizations, which I have discussed already in this study, can be summarized as follows:

  1. The initial moment of great spiritual improvement comes from a truly redemptive experience, where one is aware of the guilt of their soul, but feels the miracle of God’s forgiveness and is awoken to a new manner of life.
  2. Subsequent surges of spiritual improvement can be experienced by releasing a fundamental spiritual misconception or restoring part of the proper order in one’s core hierarchy.
  3. In between moments of spiritual epiphany and dramatic improvement, we can maintain the progress already made through the use of daily, renewing ritual.

These do not necessarily capture all ways in which one can make dramatic improvements and maintain quality of character, but these are the ones that I have observed so far in my own life.

Deterioration and Decline)

Of course, if these are principles for maintaining and improving one’s moral character, then their inverse shows us how moral deterioration and freefall occurs. We must all be guarded against the sudden loss of our souls, and also of the gradual decline of our character.

In this study I briefly mentioned the inverse of the principles of progression mentioned above as three principles of digression. Note that these transpire in reverse order of the original states of progression.

  1. If we fall into extended periods of complacency, then moral deterioration is inevitable. We may feel a little guilt about the compromises but may also absolve ourselves as having not done anything “too bad.”
  2. Deterioration leads to temptation and delusion, where we do something deeply compromising or accept a lie of the world. These moments malform our core beliefs or cause us to place lower things in our core hierarchy, like pleasure, above higher things, like virtue.
  3. Our orientation towards moral decline is fully set as we now face a truly damning experience. Having once experienced grace and forgiveness, we now feel that we rejected it for sin or for compatibility with the world.

In the end, perhaps there is little that is new here. In essence, we have described the well-known process by which people give in to temptation by degrees. It is perhaps unique that we approached it in reverse by first recognizing patterns for spiritual progression, then inverting it to get the familiar pattern of spiritual decline.

This is not surprising. When we investigate a new thread of theological inquiry it is not uncommon to find that it leads to a new expression of an already-familiar idea. This tendency reinforces the universal truth of these ideas, showing that they permeate through all reality, manifesting themselves in many ways.

I hope that this study has been a helpful examination of the different movements that we make in regard to moral character, and the different events that might catalyze those changes. I can say that it has been useful for me on a personal level to look at the matter more closely.

Posted on by Abe Austin

Ascend, Decline, or Plateau- True Redemptive Experience

Stagnant and Moving Upward)

For much of my life I was a Christian whose faith to any outside observer would have appeared to have plateaued. I came to church each Sunday, fulfilled all of my basic duties, testified of the importance of Christ, occasionally looked for ways to be helpful, and generally treated everyone with politeness and respect.

I was a good citizen, but I never felt particularly good. I felt stung by Jesus’s words when he declared, “And if ye do good to them which do good to you, what thank have ye? for sinners also do even the same.” (Luke 6:33).

There is a fundamental idea here that basic decent behavior is, well, basic. The path of the true Christian must transcend that into the truly extraordinary. The path of the true Christian requires denying the natural self and demands real sacrifice.

In the years since, I have had moments where I did make some more significant sacrifices, times where I stopped living on the basically good plateau and ascended to a higher form of living.

What Makes the Difference)

So, what was it that took me from resting on the plateau to climbing the mountain? As I look at my story the answer is crystal clear. It was passing through a truly redemptive experience. What immediately preceded my initial changes was that I gained a true conviction of my sin, felt the reality of hell before me, and then felt the reality of being saved. When those things became real, not just theoretical, I didn’t have to have anyone telling me to start living differently. Making changes was simply the most natural thing for me to do.

People that are living on the plateau have to constantly be coaxed or manipulated into works of self-betterment. External motivation might get them to move a little up the mountain, but it isn’t natural, and once the motivation disappears, they’ll most likely slide back to their comfort zone. To such a person, the idea of eternal self-improvement is a terrible burden of perfectionism.

When one has had a truly redemptive experience, though, that same idea of eternal self-improvement now feels like a privilege and an opportunity. It is only a burden if you are already at your paradise. It is an opportunity if you want to go to God’s.

Posted on by Abe Austin

Condemned Before Redeemed

Before we can be redeemed, we have to be condemned. Before we can be reborn, we have to have perished. Before we can be healed, we have to be broken.

And we have to be condemned, and perished, and broken, because we don’t recognize our natural fallen state until what little good we have is taken away. Though death is our certain end, we don’t feel the reality of it until we sin. Sin reveals to us the fallen nature we were always under and makes death itself more real to us. Sin brings upon us a sense of condemnation both for our guilt and our mortality.

Thus, we start in a state of innocent delusion, and we break that delusion by being awoken to our state of condemned mortality. But then we are reborn from that state of condemned mortality, not back into a state of delusion, but into the genuine article of eternal life. Though first we had to die, we are reborn into the reality of redemption.

Posted on by Abe Austin

Appreciating the Worst Self

It is common to despise our “worst self.” This is the self that is lazy, selfish, overly-indulgent, and perverse. That self always gets us into the worst trouble, imitates the behaviors we most resent in others, and frustrates all of our plans for self-improvement. I have listened to many addicts share their hatred for their “worst self,” going so far as to wishing that they could kill him!

But the thought has occurred to me that my “worst self” has also done the bravest and noblest things that I have ever done. It was while I was firmly in the gutter of shame and depression that I decided to ask for help from my addictions. It was while I was a sinner that I made the decision to repent. It was while God seemed farthest from me that I tried to follow Him most.

The “worst self” has its downsides, but when transformation does occur, it is necessarily that self who decides to make it happen. The “worst self” chooses to let itself die so that the “whole self” may emerge, and we owe it a great debt of gratitude for repeatedly making that sacrifice.

Posted on by Abe Austin

Scriptural Analysis- Exodus 15:13, 17

13 Thou in thy mercy hast led forth the people which thou hast redeemed: thou hast guided them in thy strength unto thy holy habitation.

17 Thou shalt bring them in, and plant them in the mountain of thine inheritance, in the place, O Lord, which thou hast made for thee to dwell in, in the Sanctuary, O Lord, which thy hands have established.

The song shifts, at least temporarily, from describing the destruction of the Egyptians to the salvation of the Israelites. It has two verses dedicated to their redemption, though in between them are three verses describing the fear and fame of the Lord that will spread through every other kingdom.

These two verses speak of God redeeming the people of Israel, guiding them, bringing them in, and planting them in their new home. They are expressing great care and attendance from the Lord, His presence actively and constantly helping them.

There is also a prevailing notion of Israel coming into the abode of God. They are being brought to his “holy habitation,” God “shalt bring them in,” they are planted “in the mountain of thine inheritance,” and kept “in the Sanctuary.” Remember that in verse 2 of this song Israel promised to create a habitation for the Lord, and now they are describing being brought into His home, thus creating a reciprocal balance: His home within their home within their home within His home, a cycle without end. John would describe the same state in 1 John 4:13 when he wrote, “we dwell in him, and he in us.” The Israelites are describing a closeness with God that is more enmeshed and intimate than any other relationship one can possibly have, the ultimate relationship that we are all meant to seek for.

Posted on by Abe Austin

Scriptural Analysis- Summary of Israel’s Liberation

Yesterday I considered the different attitudes that Pharaoh, the Israelites, and Moses showed towards God and their faith in the story of the exodus. Today I will conclude my retrospective by examining Israel’s moment of liberation.

The Wonders in Egypt)

In all, the Lord performed 17 miracles in the course of freeing captive Israel. There was turning the staff into the snake and the river into blood; invading the land with the frogs, the lice, the flies, and the grasshoppers; the murrain among the cattle, the boils among the people, the hailstorm, the three days of darkness, and the slaying of every firstborn. Also there was the miraculous dispersal of the frogs, the flies, the grasshoppers, and the hailstorms, which should all be considered as their own wonders. Then there were the pillars of cloud and fire to guide Israel and, finally, the parting of the Red Sea.

All of these wonders cleaved through the land like a sword, with two distinct effects for each miracle. On the one hand they were destructive and damning for the Egyptians, but on the other hand they were liberating and life-saving for the Israelites. God’s miracles often work this way, simultaneously condemning the guilty while redeeming the innocent. Each of us should endeavor to make sure we are on the right side of things before God’s judgment is laid out, that we may be the benefactor of His wonders and not the victims.

The Fall of Pharaoh)

Speaking of being on the wrong side of God’s judgments, Pharaoh already began on the wrong side by continuing his forefathers’ enslavement of the Israelites, and he only made things worse from there. As I’ve mentioned before, his story is a theme of pride and of refusal to submit to the Lord’s will. He continually grinds himself against God’s immovable rock until it completely breaks him. It seems that he even lost his life, all because he was so stubborn as to march himself right into the jaws of death!

It seems feasible that Pharaoh would have initially doubted the Lord’s ability to make good on His promises. Pharaoh probably genuinely trusted in the power of his own gods, attributing to them the great success that Egypt had enjoyed, confident that they would prevail over the God of his measly slaves. But it seems impossible that he could have held this view all the way throughout. Through one defeat after another, he must have known that he was fighting a losing battle. In fact, on multiple occasions he admitted the worthiness and superiority of Israel’s God, so at least a part of him seems to have known that he would only be hurt if he continued to stand in defiance. And he still did anyway. One has to conclude that at some point Pharaoh was not defying the Lord from a place of belief or pragmatism or rationality. Pharaoh persisted in his defiance because his pride was more precious to him than the life of his people, of his firstborn son, and even of himself.

There are many people today who profess to reject God on a strictly practical basis. They claim that they do not believe in Him simply because they do not have sufficient evidence to do so. When pressed, however, many of them will admit that even if they were given sufficient evidence, they still would not become His disciples. It isn’t really about a lack of evidence, but an intense emotional rejection to the idea of submitting oneself to God’s will, even when God’s reality is undeniable. Some people, like Pharaoh, defy God just to defy God, unwilling to comply because they have molded themselves to be His enemy, and they would rather suffer and die than surrender.

The Redemption of God’s People)

On the other side of God’s judgments we have the Israelites. While it is true that they had moments of doubt and gave coarse words to Moses, they were not fundamentally opposed to God like Pharaoh was. The may not have been deeply faithful, but at their core they were aligned with wanting to obey and follow the Lord. So long as a people have that alignment towards rightness God is able to work with them, even while they are imperfect in their execution.

Also, the Israelites were the descendants of a people that had once been free and prospered by the Lord. From the Exodus account, it appears that they lost this status through no trespass of their own, and so the scales of justice required that they be restored to that free state once more. This initial restoration would come freely, though remaining in the Lord’s good graces would depend on their behavior.

Thus, the redemption of the Israelites was a sure thing, the outcome as certain as if it had already happened. It didn’t matter how stubborn Pharaoh might be or how mighty his army was. It didn’t matter whether the Israelites would be helped or hindered by their neighbors. It didn’t even matter whether the Israelites believed in God the whole way through. The purpose of having faith and trusting in God was not so that His plans would come to pass, those would all be fulfilled regardless, but so that the Israelites could be united with the truth and fulfilled in their souls.

Even today, God still has His chosen people and He is still carrying out a plan among them. The final result of that plan is sure and predetermined, and no doubt among the faithful or resistance by the wicked will prevent it from occurring. The purpose of our faith is only that we may be in alignment with God’s will before it consumes the Earth. What is different with today’s scenario is that God’s chosen people are the people that choose Him. His enemies are the people that choose to be His enemies. Each one of us gets to decide for ourselves which side of the story we end up on, and then we will be raised to safety or drowned in the sea according to our choice.

Posted on by Abe Austin

Scriptural Analysis- Genesis 44:32-34

32 For thy servant became surety for the lad unto my father, saying, If I bring him not unto thee, then I shall bear the blame to my father for ever.

33 Now therefore, I pray thee, let thy servant abide instead of the lad a bondman to my lord; and let the lad go up with his brethren.

34 For how shall I go up to my father, and the lad be not with me? lest peradventure I see the evil that shall come on my father.

Judah has explained how returning home without Benjamin might kill his father for grief, but it is his plea at the end that I find most moving. Judah does not rage against Joseph, he does not stubbornly insist that they’ve got the wrong man, he doesn’t even ask Joseph to let the matter go for pity’s sake.

No, humbly and selflessly, Judah only asks that he be punished in place of the lad. If there is a price that must be paid, let it be taken out on him, and let the boy go free. The symbolism here of the Savior is obvious, and it seems particularly fitting that Jesus would be descended of Judah, who was willing to sacrifice himself that his brother might be restored to his father.

A little while ago we saw a picture of Judah that was far less flattering. He had abandoned his covenant, sullied himself through lust, and was mired in a tawdry family drama. At the end of it came a hint of redemption, though, when he started to acknowledge his folly and accept its consequences. That spark of maturity seems to have continued to grow in him until this time, finally making him ready to fully surrender himself for the good of others.