I Would Rather Die)

In my last post I made the claim that the type of “sharing feelings” that men need most is admission of guilt and shame. Honestly, that probably goes for women also, but I don’t have extensive personal experience with that, like I do with men. I have seen many men burdened with depression, fear, anxiety, and purposelessness. That has been me, myself. In every case, the first step that must be taken, and then taken repeatedly again throughout life, is the admission of one’s secret wrongs, so that forgiveness and surrender can take place.

These are inherently difficult conversations to have. I cannot think of any that would be harder. Disclosing your deepest wrongs is the single most likely way to break relationships, face painful consequences, and risk total abandonment. It is social and emotional suicide, and many men would rather commit actual suicide than go there. One of the most common things I have heard (and personally felt) is that men feel like admitting these things would kill us. We men often only make these confessions because we finally decide that a quick and sharp death is better than the long, drawn out one that we are experiencing. What a shock and amazement to discover that actually this is the path to life.

Jesus described the path to life as “strait and narrow,” (Matthew 7:14). The things that we must do are clear, precise, and narrowly defined. They are simple and accessible to all. Yet “few there be that find it,” because the first step of that path is the one gate that most of us think we will never pass through: confession of our shame.

Culture of Confession)

I believe confession is necessarily hard. I do not think it will ever be easy. A lot of people talk about changing the culture to make it more acceptable for men to “talk about their feelings,” and I do believe we could make a push to normalize confession culturally, removing the social stigmas around it that are unnecessary, but I don’t think it will ever actually stop being anything less than the hardest thing we ever do. It simply isn’t in our nature to make confession until we have exhausted every other possible option.

And that’s okay. We can never become the greatest version of ourselves without fear, sacrifice, and restoration. Facing something that scares us to death and breaking through that barrier is the gateway into new life. Jesus, himself, explained this when he said, “except a man be born again, he cannot see the kingdom of God” (John 3:3). Paradise is only available to the reborn, and rebirth assumes the death of the old self.

Thus, even if we ever did create a culture of confession such that there was no fear in admitting to our deepest wrongs, there would still be a need for another crippling fear that we would rather die than face, and a courageous leap into that death, and a rebirth on the other side. Personally, I consider it more likely that confession will just always serve as that primal fear.

I want to be clear that I absolutely know how hard the things I am advocating for are. I know it firsthand. I do not encourage men to seek this soul-shattering experience lightly. I only advocate for it because I know it is the only way, and that what is on the other side is worth it. In fact, it is so much more than just “worth it.” It isn’t that life continues on the other side of confession, it is that it begins. Everything before it is simply a walking death. Everything after it is the genuine article. And so yes, I acknowledge that this is hard, but I bear my witness that it is right and true. May I meet you one day on the other side.